Just a matter of time
by yangatheart
Summary: John Paul/Craig. After the airport.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE **

**OCTOBER**

**CRAIG**

It had been 11 days since the love of his life had turned his back on him and walked away without a backward glance.

Craig had arrived in Dublin with none of the anticipation and exhilaration he had expected to feel. Instead he had found his way to his new flat feeling nothing but emptiness and a sense of loss. Now, almost two weeks later the emptiness was gone and had been replaced with an ache in his heart and a feeling of frustration.

He had spent a full day putting niknaks from home around his flat and trying but failing, to make it feel like home. He had wandered around the town, checked out a few pubs and even hooked himself up with a job at The Swan which was just around the corner.

All the while his thoughts were consumed with one thing...John Paul.

Just thinking about him made Craig ache and he felt as though a fist was wrapped around his heart. On more than one occasion he had though about running back to Hollyoaks and begging for a second chance but every time he talked himself out of it. He had to remind himself 'He left me'.

Uni life wasn't what he had expected. He knew his plans had changed, first Sarah was going to be with him and then John Paul but he hadn't ever thought about being alone. His days fell into a quiet routine. Get up, showered, dressed, eat, uni,home, work and bed. He couldn't seem to get any pleasure out of his days. It was as though he felt he didn't deserve to be happy, couldn't be happy if he wasn't sharing it with his best mate, his soul mate.

Craig spent his nights curled up in bed, replaying in his mind everything that had gone wrong, everything he could have done differently with John Paul. His mum had sent him a picture the day he and John Paul had left. It was taken just before they had got into the taxi whilst all their family were standing there seeing them off. They were standing with their arms around each others shoulders, grinning at the camera. Bless his mum for developing it the same day or she never would have sent it.

His thoughts once again turned to that blue eyed boy. Craig lay there with his eyes closed and could clearly picture John Pauls face, his beautiful sincere smile and his gorgeous lips. He could picture John Paul standing there, telling him something, all the while gesturing with his hands. A smile flickered across Craigs face as he remembered their conversations. Some nights he lay there and felt sick as he remembered the way he had behaved, the things that he had said and done that had taken the smile away from those beautiful lips. He remembered how the twinkle in John Pauls eyes had disappeared when he had refused to kiss him. He pounded the pillow with frustration, still berating himself for being a coward.

Eventually exhausted and weary he fell into a dreamless sleep.

**OCTOBER**

**JOHN PAUL**

John Paul made his way home through Hollyoaks village as if he was on a mission. He kept his head down and avoided eye contact at all cost. After four weeks he still couldn't stand the accusatory glances of those around him. It had been bad enough having to see Sarah, Hannah and Nancys exchanged looks as he got out of the taxi from the airport and then having to explain to them that he and Craig weren't going to be together after all. Sarah had thrown a fit, still unable to process that perhaps she and Craig would never have worked and that had it not been for John Paul she still would have been living a lie.

He arrived home and tossed his backpack on the sofa before slumping down next to Jaq heaving a big sigh.

"You alright love?" she asked. "They're not still blanking you at college are they".

He looked over at his big sis and gave a dejected smile "Yeah, but it's okay, they'll get over it eventually". His sister nodded, noting that he didn't sound very convinced of his statement.

John Paul got up and went to his room, throwing himself down on his bed. He couldn't stand the sympathetic glances of his family and the snippets of whispered conversations he kept overhearing. He wanted to shout that he was fine but knew if he did he would break down completely at the enormity of his lie. He was tired of lies after everything he had gone through with Craig and yet he knew he was lying to himself every day.

What the hell had he been thinking, walking away from Craig that day? He had asked himself over and over but still couldn't come up with a reasonable answer. He knew that Craig hadn't had enough time to adjust to the idea of them as a couple but at the same time he had seemed to want to be with him too. He had acknowledged to himself weeks ago that it had been unfair asking Craig to kiss him in the crowded airport but he had just wanted a sign, a gesture that this was definitely what he wanted. He had hated the idea that maybe Craig had only picked him because Sarah had turned him down. He had felt like second best and wanted proof, even if it meant putting Craig on the spot. But now that fateful decision was still praying on his mind.

He looked over at his night stand and saw the picture of him and Craig together. Happier times, when they hadn't a care in the world and the most stressful thing in their lives had been putting up with Sonny Valentine. A smile played at the edges of John Pauls lips as he remembered the first time they had met.

He'd been listening to some tunes on his ipod in the sixth form common room when Craig Dean strode in. Of course he had known who he was, this boy with the sad brown eyes and shifty demeanor. Everyone had been saying things about his brother knocking over Sonnys mum and that he wasn't looking so smug now that he hadn't got the grades he wanted and was repeating a year. John Paul had glanced at him and made a passing comment about being in the wrong place. Craig had looked around as if trying to decide on fight or flight. Before they could get any further Sonny had come in and started having a pop at Craig. John Paul had watched out of the corner of his eye as Justin had gone over and diffused the situation. However later whilst he was waiting for Michaela he had noticed Sonny trailing Craig back into school closely followed by Justin. He hadn't liked the way the odds were stacked against Craig and for a reason he couldn't explain at the time he had hot footed it back indoors and broken the glass to the fire alarm. As Craig left the building John Paul had struck up a conversation and from that day forward they had been best mates.

A tear sprang to John Pauls eye as he remembered it all. In his eyes they were no longer mates. They were soul mates.

He went over to his bottom drawer, removed a piece of clothing and lifting it to his face he inhaled deeply. Craigs scent still lingered on his cardigan and it made John Pauls stomach muscles contract at the vivid mental image that flew into his mind. He took the garment over to the bed and holding it close he closed his eyes and let the memories surround him.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

**NOVEMBER**

**CRAIG**

Craig finished pulling the upturned chairs down from the tables in his local The Swan. He had worked there three evenings a week for the last two months and had found it was a sanctuary for him, a way of closing himself off from his thoughts of John Paul. The pub was usually abuzz with noise but on this day, a Sunday, all was still quiet. Craig had agreed to work an extra shift this week because one of the usual bar staff had taken leave to go and visit relatives.

The last month had dragged by and if Craig had thought things would get easier he was sadly mistaken. He had hoped that John Paul would contact him, even if it was just to say hi but Craigs phone rarely rang and if it did it was usually either his sister Steph or one of his new aquaintances from Trinity.

He had found it easy enough to make a few friends but they weren't the sort that he'd hang out with away from uni. It was nice to sit outside on a bench between lectures and pass the time of day with idle chit chat and gossip about things going on around the campus but thats all it was. No one knew anything much about him and thats the way he liked it. It wasn't that he was ashamed of his past, far from it, but bringing up the subject of his lost love, he knew he would crack.

When he spoke to Steph it was as though there was a big white elephant in the room, doing a tap dance, just waiting to be talked about. Craig never asked Steph about John Paul and she never volunteered any information. They usually just chatted about family and the stupid things Darren had been up to.

As he thought about his family a faint smile touched his lips. This didn't go unnoticed by Adam, the cute, friendly barman who had been a permanent fixture at the pub for years.

Adam had noticed the new guy about a month ago when he had gone with mates to the quiz night at The Swan. They had been doing alright until it had come to the music round. When the teams were asked the question "Which DJ used to be in the group The Housemartins" his friends had looked around at one another clueless. Thats when he had glanced up and noticed the faraway look that passed over the yummy, young barmans face. Adam had gestured to him to come over and that's when he had introduced himself.

"Alright mate, i'm Adam"..."I work here at the weekend".

"Craig" the man had replied sticking his hand out, "moved here from Chester a few weeks back".

"Don't suppose you know the answer to this one?" Adam had asked cheekily.

"Yeah, Fatboy Slim aka Norman Cook" He'd answered with a shrug before picking up the empties and walking away.

"Cheers" he'd called out at Craigs receding back.

Adam had turned back to his friends a slight feeling of rejection washing over him.

Since then they had seen each other in passing and last weekend Craig had sat at the bar nursing a pint for over an hour. Adam had struck up a conversation about football and by the end of his shift he had learned a little more about the mysterious Craig Dean.

He had told him that he moved from Chester to follow his dream of going to Trinity to get a business degree. They'd chatted about family and The Dog and Craig had explained about the fire. He'd chuckled as the subject of his nephew was brought up and he told stories of Darrens babysitting adventures. All the while Adam had got the impression that something, some topic was being avoided. He'd wanted to ask Craig if he was seeing anyone but he wasn't totally sure if that was a good idea, it wouldn't be the first time his 'gaydar' was off. As he had sat down to join Craig for another drink, the young man had got up to leave explaining he had an assignment to complete and finishing off his drink he'd left with a jaunty wave.

When he'd turned up for work today Adam thought just maybe lady luck was on his side. He practically skipped behind the bar when he noticed Craig setting up the tables and chairs ready for the doors being opened. As he filled the glass washer with water he noticed a ghost of a smile pass Craigs lips. It wasn't the first time he'd seen him smile but it certainly didn't seem to happen very often. He fumbled a glass and Craig glanced up as it clattered to the bar.

"Christ mate, you scared the hell out of me"! he exclaimed. "Here let me give you a hand". Craig came around the back of the bar and started passing glasses to Adam to put on the shelves.

They worked in relative silence for a few minutes, then Carl the manager came down to open up. "You lads think you'll be okay" he asked.

"Yeah no worries" replied Adam. Carl wandered back upstairs after telling them to give him a shout if it got busy. They looked at one another. "Just the two of us then" said Adam, his gaze lingering on Craig.

Craig nodded and flushed a little at the scrutiny. He remembered a time when John Paul used to look at him like that. When he was sat with Sarah he would look up to find his lover gazing at the beauty spot just above his lip. He could picture how he used to involuntarily lick his lips in anticipation of John Pauls kiss. As he stood there behind the bar he felt a stirring in his loins as the mental image refused to go away. He looked over at Adam and excused himself, saying he needed to just nip to the mens room.

Craig bolted into the gents toilets and leaned his head against the cold, smooth surface of the mirror. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself before looking at his reflection. His chocolate brown eyes stared back at him, dark and intense the pupils dilated with desire. His body seemed to have a will of it's own as another image of John Paul flittered through his mind...

John Paul staring deeply into Craigs eyes with such intensity that he felt his lover could see into his soul. Craig had grabbed the back of his head and pulled him against him, his lips taking possession of John Pauls, nibbling, biting and sucking until they felt bruised and swollen. Then he'd pushed him back onto the bed and made love for hours. That night they had slept together and it was only very early morning when Craig had left.

Craig shook his head, trying to clear it of the memories but they just came back even more vivid to torment him.

He remembered the day leading up to it. They'd gone into Chester, shopping to get some of the stuff Craig would need for uni. He dragged John Paul round for hours, trying new clothes on and holding them up to himself with raised eyebrows, seeking approval. John Paul had just sat there patiently smiling and nodding, appearing happy to just be with him.

Next they'd gone to HMV where John Paul had taken control passing Craig cd after cd telling him all about the various dance tunes and DJs that were hot in Ibiza right now. Then he talked for ages about some of his favourites.

In the evening as they waited at the bus station Craig had pulled John Paul into a photo booth "for a laugh" he'd said. They'd sat there with John Paul wriggling around on his knee and Craigs arm snaked around his waist. At first they had been giggling like a couple of kids, making faces and sticking their tongues out but after the first couple of flashes things had turned more serious. John Paul had looked up at Craig and he had felt such an incredible feeling of belonging, knowing in his heart of hearts that he didn't want to be anywhere else...with anyone else. The camera had flashed again and they just sat there smiling.

Craig had felt John Pauls hips moving against his, trying to get a more comfortable position and instead he had ended up making Craig so hard he thought he would explode. Feeling Craigs reaction spurred John Paul on and he had kissed Craig with such abandonment, his tongue dueling for control, their mouths fused together hot and hungry. Then John Paul tore his mouth away, his eyes glazed over as he rested his forehead against Craigs. They'd sat there gasping for breath, neither one in a hurry to get up. Eventually John Paul had left, impatiently checking to see if their bus had arrived. Eager to get back to his to carry on where they left off. Craig had adjusted his jeans before tearing off the strips of photos.

Later as they lay together in the aftermath of their lovemaking they had talked for hours. John Pauls head resting against the warm, smooth expanse of Craigs chest. The strong, repetitive pounding of his heart slowly sending John Paul into a deep sleep, Craigs arms wrapped around him.

He had laid there, looking down at his best friend, kissing the top of his head with a genuine smile curving his lips. He'd edged out from beneath John Paul, taken the photos and tucked them carefully into the back pocket of John Pauls jeans.

As he stood at the sink, splashing cold water on his face, Craig wondered if he would ever, could ever feel that happy again. He felt in his back pocket for his wallet and drew out the pictures that he'd avoided looking at for weeks. They were the same set of photos he had given John Paul and despite the ache he was feeling he smiled. It felt good knowing that they both had something the same, something that held them together, something to remind them of happier times and he hoped that John Paul still looked at his set too.

Craig was brought back down to earth with a bump as Adam shoved open the mens room door. He looked at Craig as he hastily tucked the photos back away.

"Are you okay?" he asked, a hint of concern in his voice.

Craig appeared flustered as he replied "Yeah, sorry mate, i'll get back out there".

As he made to leave Adam put a hand on his arm to stop him. "We'll talk later" he said and Craig noted it wasn't a question, more of a statement. Craig looked up at him and nodded. Adam was the nearest thing to a friend he had in Dublin and he knew he needed a friend right now.

Adam watched Craig depart for the third time and figured that if he wasn't interested, which he clearly wasn't, then at least he could be a mate. In his opinion the bloke clearly needed someone.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?" asked Adam. It was the end of the evening and the two men were having a well earned pint before heading home.

"I don't know what you're on about" said Craig evasively.

Adam sighed "I'm talking about whatever's bothering you" he replied. "Look, you've moved out here without friends and family and you don't seem to be making much of an effort to find any, it's as if you're punishing yourself or something". He looked at Craig expectantly, waiting for a reply.

Craig thought about this for a second. Is that what he'd been doing? Had he isolated himself from everyone around him because he felt he deserved no better? He realised that perhaps he had, though unintentionally and said as much to Adam.

He started to open up a little and explained that he wasn't meant to be coming out here alone but that the person coming with him had a change of heart. Adam listened but knew he wasn't getting the full story.

"So what happened then?" he asked.

"He left me standing in the airport" was the short, curt reply.

Adam was taken aback. He hadn't expected Craig to say "He" for some reason. After a full day working together he'd received absolutely no signs from Craig that he was interested in men whatsoever. He'd pretty much decided that some girl must have ripped his heart out and stamped all over it and he said as much to Craig.

"Yeah well, i'm not gay" replied Craig. He paused for a bit before continuing. "It's difficult to explain...I still like girls, you know, i find them attractive and everything but...it's not the same anymore, you know...i'm just not interested". He found it difficult to explain.

"So you're bi-sexual then?" Adam replied.

"No!" said Craig. He thought long and hard to find the right words. "I can't explain it" he said, frustration setting in "I don't fancy other blokes...it's just John Paul". He thought some more then continued. "It's like...i can see a man and i know he's good looking" he pondered for a bit "like David Beckham, but i don't fancy him or find him physically attractive or anything, it's just an observation". He ran his fingers through his hair, still feeling that he hadn't got his point across.

"So what your saying is, if it wasn't for this 'John Paul' you'd be totally straight and going out with girls still!" said Adam.

"Yes" exclaimed Craig, finally feeling like someone was on the same wavelength.

Adam smiled. This was the first time he'd seen Craig so animated. "Are you going to tell me what happened then?" he asked.

Craig hesitated for a moment before breaking into a lengthy account of what happened between him and John Paul. He briefly told Adam about Sarah and how, at first he had been unable to acknowledge his true feelings for John Paul, how he had convinced himself that he just wanted him as a friend and then how even when they were together he had kept John Paul a secret for fear of what people would think. Then he explained how Sarah had found out about them at the engagement party and lastly how he and John Paul had planned to come to Dublin to start a new life together.

"What happened?" replied Adam.

"Honestly" said Craig "I don't really know". He sighed, his shoulders slumping, shaking his head as he recalled the events leading up to John Pauls hasty exit. He recalled how Jake had come to the airport and he explained to Adam what his brothers reaction had originally been. Then he went on to describe their conversation and ended by telling him that although his brother wasn't happy about it, he'd at least said goodbye. Adam took it all in, thinking to himself that this Jake bloke sounded like a bit of a tosser!

Again Adam let this process before asking "Was John Paul there?"

"Yes course he was". "Well not stood right with us, but yeah, he was nearby" said Craig.

Adam nodded his head at Craig but all the while he wanted to shake it. Although he didn't know this John Paul fella, he knew that if he'd heard Craig telling his brother he wasn't gay before giving up his life for him, he would have had second thoughts too. Even if he wasn't gay, which he was beginning to understand, he also knew that the worst thing you could try to live with was denial. He looked over at Craig and gestured for him to continue.

Craig wondered if he should go on. What the hell! "Anyway" he continued "We went to the check in desk and then out of nowhere, John Paul asked me to kiss him!" he said the last part like a statement.

"Why didn't you?" replied Adam.

"I don't know" said Craig in frustration. He banged his fist on the bar top making Adam jump. "Sorry" he said rubbing the back of his neck in frustration. "I'm just so pissed off with myself for being such a coward". He shook his head. "I've replayed it over and over again. Why didn't i just kiss him! It's not that big a deal but...at the time i felt like everyone would be looking at me, thinking i'm gay". He closed his eyes and rubbed his hands over his face. He looked over at Adam."Stupid thing is...i'm not even bothered if people DO think i'm gay. It's not like it's anything to be ashamed of".

Adam looked at the wreck of a man beside him and couldn't help but smile. Craig looked at him. "Oi it's not funny!" he gave Adam a shove, who nearly fell off his chair. Next thing he knew they were both doubled over laughing. It was the first time in weeks that Craig had actually laughed, not just chuckled but a full on belly laugh and it felt good!

They got back on their stools and playfully nudged each other. Craig thought about John Paul again and a wistful expression crossed his face. Adam looked over at his new friend and knew it was just a matter of time before he sorted himself out. The fact that he'd opened up to a relative stranger and bared his soul meant that perhaps he was ready to move on with the next chapter of his life. And maybe, just maybe this new friend could give him a little nudge in the right direction.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

**NOVEMBER**

**JOHN PAUL**

"John Paul, get in here now!" bellowed Jacqui from the living room. My head shot up and the spoon clattered into the cereal bowl, splashing milk over the back of my hand. 'Bollocks!' I thought licking it off and wiping it on my jeans, what had I done now.

I walked through, head down and shoulders hunched to find five pairs of eyes looking at me from various positions around the room.

Jacqui pointed at the arm chair "sit" she said, and like an obedient puppy, I sat. She looked around at my sisters and then turned to me. "We're staging an intervention John Paul". I looked around. Mercedes was leaning against the fireplace nodding, a cocky smile on her face. God I wanted to slap her sometimes. Tina was on the settee, she seemed a little uncomfortable with the situation but was smiling gently, a look of reassurance on her face. Next to her was Michaela who seemed to be practically wetting herself with glee and lastly was Carmel. She stood shoulder to shoulder with Jacqui but where my eldest sister had a 'don't mess with me' air about her, our Carmel was just happily smiling, eyebrows raised excitedly. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. Oh crap, what now!

I looked pointedly at Jacqui, waiting for her to continue but it was Mercedes who spoke.

"Were sick of seeing your ugly mug moping around the place...so we decided to take matters into our own hands".

"What are you on about?" I asked.

Carmel spoke up. "John Paul, we know it's been difficult for you lately, what with Craig leaving and you going to college but we don't like to see our little brother feeling sad". "Anyway"...she looked at the rest of her sisters a grin spreading across her face.."We decided it was time for you to get back on the horse and ride it". Mercedes snorted at the unintended pun.

"What she means" said Tina carefully choosing her words "Is that, we all think it's time you got your life back in order and gave yourself another chance at happiness." Funny I wasn't sure I deserved another chance.

"We know it's been difficult for you, seeing Sarah and everyone but , John Paul, you have to make a fresh start, you have to forget about Craig and move on with your life" she finished. I glanced around to find all five of them nodding in agreement.

"So....?" I waited for them to get to the point.

"So little brother, we've each arranged a date for you to go on. One for every day this week" said Jacqui, somewhat smugly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa" I said as I jumped up, shaking my head and biting my lip. "Please tell me your joking" I said looking at Tina. She dropped her chin onto her chest and wouldn't meet my gaze. "Seriously, blind dates!" "I'm not that desperate". Even as I said it i knew it wasn't about desperation. I wasn't ready to move on. I still knew i'd made the wrong decision and unless it was Craig on the date, I wasn't interested.

"Well" I said, "you can flipping well tell em i'm not coming" and I stormed up to my room, flopping down on the mattress. What the hell were they thinking, trying to railroad me into that. I felt around under the pillow until my fingers connected with the thin strip of paper there. I pulled out the photos of me and Craig on what was one of the happiest days of my life. How could I explain to my sisters that I was better off feeling miserable because at least it meant that I felt something, and that if I felt something it meant I was still alive.

The numbness i'd felt when I walked away from Craig had been welcome but over the last few weeks, pain and sadness had taken it's place. I'd thought all sorts of sinister thoughts but had pushed them to the back of my mind, knowing that I had to sort myself out just in case Craig forgave me and came back for me. As the days had turned into weeks I slowly came to realise that That wasn't going to happen. Still I knew that if I went out with someone else, kissed someone else, felt something for someone else, I may as well throw my hands up and admit that it was over. I wasn't sure that I was ready for that yet!

The McQueen sisters congregated around the sofa, heads together trying to come up with a plan.

"We can't make him if he doesn't want to" said Tina feeling a bit guilty on John Pauls behalf.

"We bloody well can" shot back Mercedes. "He needs to sort himself out and stop pining for Craig the cheeky little perv!"

"I had a right fit bloke lined up for him as well" said Carmel.

They all looked over at Jacqui for answers. She got up and headed upstairs followed by the rest of them.

She knocked on his door. "John Paul, can I come in?" she said, and without waiting for a reply, walked in closing it behind her. The rest of them stayed back, pressing their ears to the door. She sat next to him on the bed, noticing the pictures clenched between his fingertips. "Look, I know you thought you loved him but he's not around anymore. You have to start thinking of yourself" she pleaded.

"I didn't think I loved him, I did love him....I DO love him" he corrected his voice catching.

"Fine then, why not use this as an experiment" she replied.

"What do you mean?" "I can't just go using people, it wouldn't be fair" he said back.

Jacqui thought for a minute trying to decide the best way of putting it. "All right!""If you go out with these fellas and you don't fancy any of them, then we promise to leave you alone and not take the piss out of Craig ever again" she stated. She had a wicked gleam in her eye knowing she had him cornered.

John Paul thought about it. Maybe it wouldn't do him any harm getting back out there and having a bit of a social life. Since half the village hated him for splitting up Sarah and Craig he figured perhaps it wouldn't do any harm,"What the hell, DEAL" he replied and he held out his hand for his eldest sister to shake.

Michaela squealed at the door and he could hear Mercedes say "thank heavens for that".

_**DATE 1**_

I was dreading tonight. The girls had pulled straws to see who got to set me up first and Carmel had drawn the longest. She told me that she had arranged for me to meet Sebastian at the fitness centre in town. I'd arrived on time feeling more than a little nervous as I approached the tanned, buff, beefcake hovering outside the door. I walked over to him an apprehensive smile curving my lips. "Sebastian, hi" I said introducing myself and he pulled me into a massive bear hug, squeezing the life out of me.

"Call me Seb" he replied putting his arm around my shoulders. Carmel had told me he was friendly but this...I almost laughed aloud at how strange this was. All I knew about him was that Carmel gave him massages twice a week and that he was a fitness instructor at the centre.

As we made our way inside he started to tell me about work and all the different equipment he used as a trainer. He was banging on about different weights and how much he could lift. After a bit i stopped paying attention, thinking of what I might get for tea when I got home. Suddenly i was brought back down to earth by a sharp nudge to my ribs. I realised he had just asked me something.

"Well, what do you think?" he repeated.

"Yeah, sounds good" i answered, not even sure what he had asked.

"Cool, i'll meet you in the changing room in five then" he said before walking away.

'Oh crap!' I thought, no doubt i'd agreed to a massive session in the gym or something. I thought about turning round and leaving but then an image of Carmels sweet, innocent face popped into my head and i realised I couldn't let her down. Not only would she be disappointed i'd not given it much chance but she could also lose a customer and I couldn't have that on my conscience. I sent up a silent prayer hoping it wouldn't be anything too extreme, then made my way to the changing room.

A couple of minutes later Seb came back in and handed me a towel. "There you go mate" he said, handing me a towel "get your kit off then!" I froze in place as he stripped down to nothing and looked at me expectantly. I followed suit but left my imitation Calvin Kleins in place. He shrugged his shoulders and made his way through a door on the left. As it opened a hot, dry blast of air hit me. I followed behind him into the room and sat down on the wooden bench opposite him. I'd never been in a sauna before and i found the air quite stifling. Within minutes my skin was covered in sweat and my nostrils felt as though they would set on fire.

I looked over at Seb, my eyes travelling over the muscular, toned contours of his body. He was in prime physical condition and yet i didn't find him particularly attractive. Don't get me wrong...he was a hunk but my taste ran to a less obvious physique. I liked men who had a slight , masculine build. It was more about the face for me and the body language. I found the eyes to be the part of a persons appearance that i noticed first, followed by their lips and smile. Seb had nice eyes, they were a hazel colour but not the deep, chocolate brown colour that I favoured. I supposed he had a nice smile too, but his lips weren't as full as I like and they didn't have a sexy, beauty spot either.

He continued to ramble on about work and all the fit girls who chatted him up and every so often i nodded, feigning interest. I'd promised myself that i would give these dates a chance and not think about Craig Dean but as I leaned my head back against the bench my thoughts began to drift....I could picture Craig sitting there a soft, white towel slung low around his hips, small droplets of sweat clinging to his upper lip. I imagine him leaning over with the ladle and pouring more water on the hot wooden logs making the steam fog up the little room as the temperature rises. As I sit there I can almost feel the heat of his skin as I imagine my fingers smoothing over his slick, damp chest, his stomach muscles contracting as my hands skim over the taut flesh....my mind continues to wander until a sudden movement nearby yanks me from my daydream. Seb has shifted his position to sit down next to me and as he's about to say something, I jump up and excuse myself dashing off to the showers.

The cool spray coming from the shower eventually does the trick as my arousal subsides. I close my eyes as the jets of water wash over my body, cleaning away the sweat and the smell of dried wood. I towel myself off and hang around for a few minutes, hoping to speak to Seb before making my excuses and leaving. As time drags on I go in search and come across him talking to a tall, dark man outside the water tank. He glances up for a second and smiles over at me before resuming conversation. I breathe a sigh of relief as I leave the building...One down..Four to go!

_**DATE 2**_

As I made my way downstairs the next morning I felt a sudden hush desend upon the room. Mercedes elbowed Carmel, who looked over at me expectantly "Well, how did it go?" she asked.

"Yeah fine" I replied. "He wasn't really my type though".

"What, you mean he wasn't a sour faced, little perv like Craig?" said Mercedes.

"No" I answered back defensively. "It's just....we didn't really have much in common, that's all". "He likes keeping fit and stuff and you know me, i've always been a bit of a slob".

Mercedes bobbed her head in agreement, "Fair enough, anyway it's my turn tonight"."His name's Evil and he works at the tattooist in town" she said, rather smugly.

I could feel my lip raising into a sneer and Michaela snorted her coffee out through her nose. Tina and Carmel exchanged worried glances. I couldn't believe she expected me to go out with someone called Evil after the way she'd taken the piss about Spike.

"What?" she said looking around at us all. "I met him the other week when I went in to get my belly button pierced, I tried it on myself but he turned me down flat so I knew he must be gay". "Anyway he's going to meet you outside that 'Vixen' club in town at 10 o' clock. Said he'd be wearing a black scarf and leather jacket."

Great!

As I approached the club I could hear the steady beat of the 'music' coming from inside. I'd heard of this place before, Spike had mentioned it when we were going out but i'd never actually gone. It wasn't the kind of music i liked, this was more punk/metal but it had a decent reputation and wasn't known for trouble so it seemed as good a place as any for a blind date. Speaking of dates, I spotted what looked to be my date for the evening lounging casually against a lamp post, a black bandanna tied around his skull and wearing an oversized, knee length, black leather jacket. On closer inspection under the glow of the light I could see the glint of a nose ring and a few other piercings adorning his ears. I wondered briefly if he had any other piercings or tattoos.

I made my way over to him. "Evil?" I asked.

"Depends if you want me to be" he said back. I wasn't sure if he was joking.

"John Paul" I replied, choosing to ignore his last comment. "Shall we go in?" We made our way past the bouncers on the door, both of them giving me the once over as I stepped into the dimly lit entrance. We paid our way in and I handed my jacket to the attendant in the cloakroom, smiling as I said thanks. She looked me up and down and raised her eyebrows. Moody cow, I thought my sisters were bad. I noticed Evil hadn't taken his jacket off but decided not to say anything in case he lamped me one.

We went through a couple of sets of double doors and the music was deafening. It didn't have any sort of beat to it, nothing I could really dance to even if I wanted to. We went over to the bar and Evil made a gesture at the bloke with a skinhead, holding up two fingers. He was rewarded with a couple of bottles of lager which he paid for without comment. He handed me one and I took a long drag from it, thanking him. He chinked his bottle against mine before he downed the full bottle. We still hadn't spoken and I figured he was one of those mean, moody types who think it's cool to say nothing.

I'm beginning to feel bored and am searching for a topic of conversation when he suddenly asks me if I want to see his piercing.

"Okay" I reply and before I knew what hit me, he'd grabbed the back of my head and shoved his tongue down my throat. I almost gagged at the unexpected intrusion but a funny little voice in my head was telling me it would be rude to pull away so soon. I could feel the stud on the end of his tongue scraping against my teeth and a strange thought occured to me. 'If I had a piercing in my tongue, would they stick together?' It was a totally random thought but my brows furrowed as I weighed it up. Another thought popped into my head and I suddenly push him away as a giggle escaped my lips.

"What the fuck are you laughing at!" he raged as I covered my mouth with my hand.

"Nothing" I choked out before making a run for it. I legged it out the door and was half way to the bus stop before I realised i'd left my jacket behind.

A few minutes later panting and out of breath I boarded the bus and only then did I think back to what had made me burst into a fit of giggles. I recalled the time Craig had been telling me about his sister Steph asking Sarah if you could stick fridge magnets to her dads head. I shook my head, still chuckling to myself as I headed home.

I thought about calling into The Dog on the way home. Figured maybe I could talk to Steph and ask her how Craig was doing but I talked myself out of it. I didn't want to run into Frankie or Jake and even if i did see Steph, I didn't think I was ready to hear about Craig and what he'd been up to without me. What if he had a new girlfriend? or even worse....a boyfriend! I didn't think i'd be able to take it, after all, no news is good news. My lighthearted mood had disappeared so I bought myself a bag of chips to cheer me up and made my way home.

Bad idea, as soon as I stepped through the door, Mercedes came up to me poking a well manicured finger into my chest. "Who do you think you are, binning Evil off like that? He's just rung me up giving me a right earful" she ranted.

"Better than the mouthful I got then!" I shouted back, running upstairs slamming the bedroom door behind me.

_**DATE 3**_

The music from the jukebox pounded out a steady beat as I took my shot. The red ball sank into the corner pocket no problem. Tonight seemed to be going well and I found that I hadn't thought about Craig for at least five minutes (well except to remind myself i wasn't thinking of him).

Michaela had set me up with the brother of a friend of a friend called Jason. He was interested in DJing and we'd been talking most of the night about music and the best clubs and stuff. I found him really interesting to be around and the nerves weren't there like they had been on the other nights. It also helped that we were having our date at a pub, which was somewhere I felt relaxed.

I took my next shot but missed, so stepped back from the pool table so Jason could have his turn. As he leaned over the pool table the jeans hugging his backside became taut and my eyes were automatically drawn to them. He had a nice arse and it looked firm beneath the denim fabric. Craig had a nice backside too......Aargh, stop it I told myself, i'd promised myself that Craig Dean was out of bounds today. He'd already interfeered with two dates and he wasn't going to disrupt this one as well.

When he missed his next shot I made my way back to the table and cleared up, sinking my last red and then the black. I did a little jig as I made my way back to the stools we were sitting on. "Fancy another game?" I said raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah alright, but i'm telling you I won't be as much of a pushover this time" he replied. "You get the beers in and i'll rack em up".

As I made my way to the bar I couldn't help feeling that things were going quite well. Don't get me wrong there was no obvious chemistry but we were getting on well and he hadn't made me get naked or stuck his tongue down my throat so that was an added bonus. I asked for two bottles then made my way back over to him.

"Ready to be defeated?" he asked with a cocky swagger. It was his break and the red and yellow balls flew across the table as the white ball struck them. One of each colour found their way into the pockets so he pointed his cue at a red ball and took his next shot. After a couple more reds went down he missed a tricky double and begrudgingly allowed me a turn. As I'm a decent player I pocketed the first couple of yellows easily enough and then managed to get the next one down even though it was snookered. Jason shifted in his seat, itching for his turn. I thought about ballsing up the next shot but decided against it. As I drew back the length of the cue ready to strike, he started to clear his throat loudly, trying to put me off. It didn't work and the yellow ball went flying into the middle pocket. "He shoots, he scores!" I say turning round to high five him. He starts scowling obviously not used to being beaten. I notice that unlike Craig who looked dead cute when he was sulking, Jason just looks like a stroppy teenager.

The game continues and when I eventually miss a pot, Jason jumps off his stool like a firecracker just went off. He walks around the table, carefully deciding on his next move. I can't help remembering the time me and Craig were at The Dog doing the exact same thing. Craig was putting on a show being overly macho because i'd not long since told him I was in love with him. We'd attempted to move on and pretend it hadn't happened, i'd even tried to convince him that i'd made a mistake but it had left an uncomfortable atmosphere between us. It hadn't helped that his mum had come over and asked us to try on our tuxedos for the dance. I don't think i've ever felt so sexually aware of someone the way I was with Craig that day. We'd gone up to his room to get changed, turning our backs to one another. I know I was aware of the tension in the room, I kept trying to steal glances at him and from what he told me months later he'd been aware of it too.

We'd laid in bed one night and he had apologised for taking so long to understand his feelings for me. He had told me that after I told him I loved him he had wanted to stay friends but things had changed for him. He'd gone on to say that when we were together as mates he kept having little images of us pop into his mind and he hadn't been able to interpret them. He also said it was the night of the dance when, in his mind his feelings had started to become clearer. He'd explained to me that as he was dancing with Sarah she had said I love you to him and that he'd said it back automatically but that when he looked up from kissing her he'd seen me and remembered the way he had felt when i had said the same words. That, he explained, was the reason he had taken off after me into the gym.

As we had lay there that night, going over past milestones in our relationship he had recalled just how many times he had brought up the subject of my being gay. He'd explained that it was his way of trying to talk about it, trying to understand my feelings for him and the feelings he felt for me in return. He said that he hadn't wanted to let the subject drop for fear of it being swept under the rug and being forgotten about. He had also apologised for letting me take all the blame for the kiss Hannah had seen, admitting that yes, he had instigated it but at the time he didn't understand why. I'd held him close that night, kissing him and telling him that all was forgiven. That no matter what he did I would always forgive him because i loved him. I sometimes wonder if I had made a mistake telling him that because it had given him free reign to hurt me over and over again.

A yell from Jason brought me out of my reverie and I congratulated him as I realised he had won the frame. He came over and sat down taking a swig of his beer. "So" he said "this gig at the Loft. What nights do you play?"

"Thursdays and Saturdays usually" I replied. "Why do you wanna come?"

"Yeah sounds good"." Can't this week though, going to the pictures tomorrow". I almost asked him who with but figured it was none of my business.

We carried on chatting for a bit then I noticed someone familiar out of the corner of my eye. I waved as she made her way over. "Michaela, what are you doing here" I said, glancing over at Jason.

"Thought i'd see how your getting on" she replied giving Jason one of her Kilowatt smiles. "Has he invited you round to ours yet to show you his records?" she asked Jason, leaning over giving him an eyeful of cleavage. Typical Michaela I thought, flirting with anything with a pulse. If she wasn't my sister i'd probably laugh at the situation.

"We were just gonna get the drinks in before last orders" I told her, expecting her to make her excuses and leave. No such luck.

"Ooh, i'll have a bacardi and coke" she said, bloody cheeky cow.

I went over to the bar to get more drinks and looking round, was glad to see she wasn't making too much of a nuisance of herself. Jason was listening intently to something she was saying and as he replied she threw her head back and laughed. Typical I thought, my little sisters getting on with him better than me.

I went back to join them putting the drinks down, trying not to spill any. Michaela got up to 'powder her nose...WTF' so once again I was alone with Jason. I moved a bit closer and asked him if he wanted to meet up again for a re match.

"Yeah can do" he said nodding. "Free same time next week if you want?". I took this as a good sign and I was just leaning in to give him a quick kiss when I heard our Michaela screeching from over near the ladies.

"John Paul come here!" she shouted urgently. I got up and shrugged my shoulders at Jason. "Be back in a sec" I said and made my way over to her. "Flipping heck Michaela, you've got crap timing" I said berating her.

"Not bloody likely" she replied, "You were about to kiss him!"

"So?" I couldn't understand her reaction, she'd never had a problem with me kissing Spike.

"Look John Paul, there's something i've got to tell you". I made an impatient gesture for her to continue. She bit her lip and I got the feeling I wasn't going to like what she had to say.

She looked over at Jason who was tearing a beer mat to shreads. "It's Jason" she said "He's not gay!". I glared at her waiting for her to carry on. "Oh John Paul please don't be mad" she begged. "I've fancied him for ages and when he said he was getting some decks I thought it would be an ideal chance to get to know him. I told him about you and I thought if I could arrange for you to meet up I could join you and he'd see how great I am" she said it in a rush and almost sounded guilty.

"Blood hell Michaela" I roared at her "I almost kissed him. He would've decked me".

"I know, i'm really sorry John Paul" she said and I could detect a note of sincerity in her voice. She fixed me with her puppy dog eyes and I felt a smile tugging at my lips. Sisters....who'd have em.

"Yeah well...lets go and get you fixed up shall we?" I told her as we made our way back to the table. She squeezed my arm leaning into me.

"Your the best big brother ever" she gushed.

"I'm your only big brother" I said giving her a nudge.

_**DATE FOUR**_

We ran along the beach, the soft, dry sand warm under our feet. As we neared a spot far away from prying eyes, he grabbed my hand and pulled me down. He landed on top of me, pinning me down with the weight of his body, his legs straddling mine. I could feel the strong muscles of his inner thigh against my hips as he leaned over me anchoring my wrists above my head. "Got you now, you tease" he said playfully. I stared into his eyes as they changed from amusement to desire the connection sending a shiver down my spine. He bent his head down and I parted my lips ready to....

"John Paul, if you don't get ready now, your gonna to be late!" yelled Jacqui.

I woke with a start the remnants of the dream slipping away. God her timing was lousy! "I'm coming" I shouted back grabbing a towel and going for a quick shower. I was already dreading today. It was my fourth date in as many days and I was fed up with the lot of them. My sisters hadn't stopped nagging me about them, asking who I liked best and if I was going to see any of them again. I thought i'd made it clear already that none of them were my type but it just seemed to go over their heads. All except Michaela who couldn't keep the dreamy look off her face and thought I was the best person in the world. She just kept going on about how her and Jason were going out Friday night.

Jacqui was tapping her watch a look of impatience on her face as I entered the room. "Your cutting it a bit fine aren't you" she said handing me a piece of paper with the name of a restaurant on it.

"Well I am at work later" I told her. Today I was meeting someone called Martin for lunch at a fancy little bistro in town. Jacqui had already informed me that he wasn't what I usually went for???? and that he was in 'sales and marketing' whatever the f*ck that meant. She seemed quite pleased with herself, especially when she told me his annual income. I rolled my eyes at her as I stepped out of the door.

"Have fun" she cried, giving me a jaunty wave. I'm surprised she didn't kiss me on the cheek, handing me a briefcase like a proper little stepford wife. I turned round a grimace covering my face as I got into the waiting taxi. "Isabellas please" I said to the driver as we set off. The nearer the restaurant I got, the more anxious I became. Surely this couldn't be as bad as the others. Jacqui seemed quite confident she'd picked a winner but with the luck i'd been having I wasn't so sure. I gazed out of the window trying to remember the dream i'd been having. I knew it was Craig that the dream was about from the warm, fuzzy feeling i'd woken up with but the more I tried to remember it the further away it slipped.

After a short drive the taxi pulled up and I got out thanking and paying the driver. I glanced around but couldn't see anyone else waiting. I checked my watch ( well Craigs grandads watch) and noted that I was a couple of minutes late. I decided that if he wasn't here by half one, i'd go for a look round town and maybe catch a matinee at the cinema. As the time past I became more and more sure that i'd been stood up and the thought filled me with happiness. I knew that this week had been a bit of a farce but if it kept my sisters off my back about Craig, then it was worth it. I knew i wasn't ready to move on and in some ways this week had brought me to that realisation. I wasn't over Craig, not by a long shot and I didn't think I ever would be.

I look at the watch again, smoothing a finger over the face of it and I see that it's almost half past. I look around one last time and head off towards the town centre. As I round the corner a deep, metallic blue BMW with tinted windows pulls up alongside me. I stop, thinking maybe someone needs directions as the electric window goes down. "Your John Paul aren't you?" says the man behind the dark, aviator sunglasses "Sorry i'm late, traffics a nightmare". He parks the car and gets out, throwing a wool overcoat over his arm. "Martin, nice to meet you" he states holding out his hand. I take it and notice he has nice dry hands and a firm handshake.

"John Paul" I reply stupidly. Hmm, not what I was expecting at all from our Jacqui. He seemed really confident and had an air of maturity about him (probably beacause he was about fifteen years older than me) but I wasn't going to let that bother me. He also had sophisticated tastes I noted as he ordered an expensive bottle of white wine when we were seated. I felt under dressed sat there with my black shirt and grey pants on. He was wearing a suit, with a tie and everything.

"Is this the first time you've done this?" he asked, probably sensing my nervousness.

"No but....blind dates always freak me out a bit" I said, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants.

He smiled reassuringly "It's okay, you can relax, i'm not going to bite you!" I laughed as the tension seemed to break. He asked me about myself and I told him about DJing at the Loft and college. He asked me what I wanted to do when I leave and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I dunno really, haven't thought about it much" I couldn't very well tell him that I was still waiting to be swept off my feet by my gorgeous ex and taken back to Dublin for a life of 'Happy Ever After'. Again he nodded and said he hadn't known what to do after leaving school either but that eventually everything fit into place. I asked him what he did for a living and he told me he was doing the marketing for a large cosmetics firm, getting the brand noticed and sorting out the advertisements. I was impressed as he went on to tell me that he'd started at the bottom working as a temp but had quickly moved up the ranks of middle management to his higher position now. He clearly loved his job and I hoped that in the future I would feel so settled and secure in a job I liked.

The meal continued at a nice steady pace and I felt so at ease with him, chatting and laughing at nothing in particular. It was relaxing and easy letting the conversation flow. We hadn't talked much about our pasts and I was grateful for that. I didn't want my thoughts about Craig to spoil things and having drank a couple of glasses of wine I had let my hair down a bit for the first time in ages. It was cool talking to someone who didn't judge me and know everything about me.

The waitress came over with the bill and handed it to us with a flourish. Martins hand covered mine as we both reached for it at the same time and I drew back as though i'd been burned. Martins green eyes met mine and they creased at the corners as he smiled knowingly. He paid the waitress leaving a hefty tip and waved off my attempt to split the bill. As we put our coats on to leave he asked me if I wanted a lift home. "That'd be great" I said stuffing my hands into my pockets.

He opened the car door and I got in my eyes immediately drawn to his cds. I raised an eyebrow at the Kelly Clarkson cd on the top. He laughed taking them from my hands. "What did you expect...Celine Dion?" I chuckled and we started talking about music. I gave him directions to the Loft, explaining that I had to set up ready for tonight and decide what music I was going to play. He pulled up and turned in his seat to face me. He touched the side of my face and leaned in to kiss me. His mouth was gentle and I could taste a hint of pepper from the sauce he had eaten with his steak. His lips became more insistent as his tongue delved into my mouth, stroking over my lips and tangling with mine. I drew back as a mixture of emotions swam through my brain. He looked over at me, his green eyes meeting my blue ones. "Fancy doing this again sometime?" he asked.

I hesitated, trying to put my feelings in order. I'd just been kissed by someone and for a brief moment I hadn't thought about Craig. Yet as soon as it ended, HIS brown eyes had flashed before mine and it was his face that I saw as I touched my lips and closed my eyes.

The sudden sound of Razorlight blasting from Martins phone made me jerk my head up and look over at him. He grimaced as he held it up. "Gotta take this, sorry". I nodded back at him as he pressed the keypad to answer it.

"Hi honey, whats up?" he said into the phone, looking over at me shaking his head. "Uh huh, yes....four thirty? No problem....See you there......Yes, love you too" he said before disconnecting. " Sorry about that" he said unfazed. "We have a parent/ teacher meeting at the school this afternoon and she was just checking I hadn't forgotten". I sat there, saying nothing my mouth hanging open like a fish. I knew I was gaping at him but I really couldn't think of anything to say. I glanced around taking in things I hadn't noticed before.... the booster seat in the back of the car and the Hello Kitty air freshener dangling from the mirror.

"You...you're married!" I stutter out eventually.

"Well...yeah, I thought I told you that" he said nonchallantly.

"Err, NO, I think you forgot to mention it" I replied sarcastically. I yank open the door and make a move to leave.

"So, what about that date then?" he asked. I slam the door behind me and turn around giving him the finger. Bloody cheating bastard, at least Craig had the guts to feel guilty!!!

_**LAST DATE**_

Last nights session at The Loft had gone well and i'd managed to keep my mind on the job rather than on what i was going to say to my eldest sister about the pr*ck she'd set me up with. I had noticed some of the old gang come in, Sarah, Hannah and Nancy but they kept a safe distance and i still couldn't pluck up the courage to go over to them. Too many things had been said, things we couldn't take back but i still felt a sense of loss when i saw them laughing and dancing together.

During my break I almost ran into Hannah on her way to the ladies, i'd put a hand out to steady her and she'd looked up to thank me but pulled her arm away as she realised who i was.

"Sorry" i said the words loaded with meaning, "I'm really sorry". She looked back up at me and inclined her head. I think she understood that i wasn't just talking about us bumping into each other.

She smiled wryly and made a move to pass me, then she hesitated and looked back, "Me too". I could tell she was still upset with me over everything that had happened between us and i couldn't blame her, but i hoped that sometime in the future she would forget all the bad stuff and we could be friends again.

As the night wore on and the music got faster the girls had dropped their inhibitions and had made their way to the dance floor. From nowhere i remembered one of Saras favourite tunes so i finished the set i had been working on and put the record on. For a second she froze, mid gyration and then she looked over at the DJ booth making eye contact with me. My breathing stopped as i wondered what she would do, whether she was going to hurl her alcopop bottle at my head or strut off the dance floor like a diva, but she didn't, she just lifted her bottle up at me like a mock salute and carried on dancing. I grinned to myself and shook my head, a feeling of relief coursing through my body the tension suddenly leaving it. It wasn't much...but it was a start.

Today didn't started well. Not only was i reluctant to go on another date but i also couldn't find my favourite shirt (the blue one that brings out the colour in my eyes) or the watch that i took off when i went to bed. I looked for it for ages before finding it tucked underneath my pillow next to the photos of Me and Craig and the shirt screwed up behind my laundry basket. Great! I hunted around for another shirt and found the black one that i wore to Craigs birthday get together. It was creased to f*ck but what else could i expect after the week i've had. I went downstairs and flicked the kettle on before setting up the ironing board. As i got the iron out from under the sink the cord caught and i dropped the bloody thing on my foot. I jumped about, clutching the throbbing limb, wishing Craig was here to kiss it better. I remembered the last time this had happened and it brought a big smile to my face, it had been surreal, one minute i had been yelling and screaming at him and the next, with those few words, he had diffused the anger in me and had turned me to mush...again.

When the shirt was ironed and hung up for tonight, i finally set about making myself a brew. I heard the door go and shouted out a "Hello" to whoever was there.

"Oh it's you" i said as Jacqui came into the kitchen. She pulled out a chair and sat her bum down, looking at me, brazen as anything.

"What's up with you?" she asked....Like she didn't know.

I looked at her incredulously, shaking my head. "Where did you meet Martin?" i asked her. "He was a right as*hole." I was expecting her to say in a bar or something not the answer she gave.

"Gay boys do it for " she answered. "He seemed really nice, good looking, great car, fantastic job...Why, what went wrong?" she asked.

"He was married!" i exploded. I was cheered up to see her nearly choke on the M&Ms she'd been shoveling in her mouth.

When she regained her composure, she looked at me and laughed. "Bloody hell John Paul, you have worse luck with men than any of us!"

Glad she found it funny. I pulled the shirt on over my vest and yelled at her to butt out of my love life as i stormed off. She had the cheek to shout after me "You gonna see him again then?" Honestly if looks could kill she'd be six feet under.

By the time i got to the SU bar i'd calmed down a bit. I figured if any of my sisters had my best interest at heart it would be Tina. She hadn't told me who i was meeting so i wasn't sure what to expect as i went inside.

I got a bottle from the bar and surveyed the room. I noticed a familiar face over near the windows and smiled widely as i approached. "Is he not here yet?" i asked Tina, plonking myself down on the sofa.

"John Paul, i haven't set you up with anyone" she said. I hope she didn't think i was disappointed. "I know how difficult this week has been for you and i thought it might do you good to get out and...I thought we could talk". She looked at me with those big doe eyes. I think she was expecting a refusal on my part, i was expecting a refusal but it never came. The breath i held suddenly came whooshing out of my body. I didn't know where to start. I'd never gone into the ins and outs of mine and Craigs relationship with any of my sisters. She patted my hand reassuringly and said to start at the beginning....So i did.

I told her how me and Craig had met that first day and my first impressions of him. How even though he'd been a bit cocky, there'd still been something about him that made me intrigued to get to know him more.

I explained about my mixed feelings when i started going out with Hannah and how i found myself thinking about my best friend all the time instead of my girlfriend. That when he was talking i would find that i was imagining his lips on mine and that he was saying the things he said to Sarah to me.

Then i went on to explain what happened at Hannahs party and how it broke my heart seeing Craig upset over Sarah and Rhys and how i ended up admitting my true feelings to him, blurting out the truth before running away, leaving him standing there. I explained that the next day i'd offered to walk away...end the friendship and i told her how my heart had swelled as Craig had pounded on the door, telling me he didn't want me to go.

Tina looked at me and curled her fingers around mine, giving them a squeeze. I hadn't realised i'd stopped talking, the memories catching up with me. I felt reassured by the gentle pressure of her hands as i continued on.

My hands trembled as i recounted the events in the run up to the school dance off. I told her of the awkwardness between me and Craig and how i had tried to convince him that i was confused and that i hadn't meant what i said. She seemed shocked when i told her that it was Craig who had instigated the kiss but that he'd drawn back when he realised what he had done. The nightmare few weeks following this came spilling out of my mouth, the shame i'd felt at peoples reactions and the heartbreak i felt when Craig had sided with Sonny and the other lads at school. I touched my face at the memory of Craigs clenched fist connecting with skin and bone.

She heard how it was Craigs jealousy of Spike that had brought his feelings for me to a head. I went over the weeks of gut wrenching anxiety and bliss that had surrounded me as our affair had kicked off. Craigs feelings of denial that anything had happened, to his apparent acceptance that we should be together. I told Tina about everything in the run up to the engagement, us saying we loved each other, Craig going away, his giving me his grandads watch. ...everything!

Of course she knew what had happened after that. Everyone knew! Tina pulled me into a tight hug as i poured out to her all that had happened at the airport. The initial joy that we were finally going to be together, replaced by a sudden fear as i had listened to Craig talking to his brother. The betrayal i had felt as i realised he wasn't ready to accept me as his equal, as his boyfriend....at least not in public! She stroked my back as i cried, telling her that i never should have given him an ultimatum, that i should have been more patient and given him the encouragement he needed to face the world as a couple. I clutched hold of her as sobs wracked my body, tears leaving trails down my cheeks. I angrily dashed them away with the back of my hand and looked into my sisters eyes. "What have i done Tina" i cried, "what have i done?"


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR**

**DECEMBER**

**CRAIG **

Craig put the finishing touches to his tree and stood back proudly to survey his handy work. Okay so the fairy was a bit askew on the top of the tree and some of the baubles looked like they had seen better days (because they had) but on the whole he was really pleased with his masterpiece. He turned to the man stood beside him, who was viewing the tree with a look that was a cross between bewilderment and amusement.

"What's that look for?" he asked. He felt mildly insulted but he found it difficult to stay annoyed at Adam for very long.

Adam didn't want to hurt Craigs feelings by telling him it looked like the most pathetic Christmas tree he'd ever seen so he just shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know what you mean, fancy a cup of tea?".

They sat down amongst the tinsel, warming their hands on the hot mugs of tea, watching the fairy lights dance and flash on and off alternating.

"You're gonna have to pick a setting for them you know" said Adam nodding towards the flickering lights. "I think the point is to just pick one, you're going to be having fits if you leave them like that!"

Craig laughed, God it felt good to just hang out and chill for a change. Uni had finished for Christmas and he had almost a month left before he had to go back to assignments and coursework deadlines. He was itching to get into the big wide world and start earning money, coming up with business ventures and enterprising schemes but he knew that the degree he would earn at Trinity would be valuable in his first years as part of the working population.

He looked over at his new found friend and felt really lucky to have someone like Adam around to take his mind off things. Since the Sunday they had worked together in the pub they had struck up a solid friendship. Adam was well known in the area and seemed very popular both with the men and the ladies. According to him he was like a babe magnet because "If they know you're gay, they totally relax around you". He'd said it was a trust thing, they knew you weren't after anything from them so they dropped the usual barriers that women put up. Thanks to him i'd got to know more of the locals and had settled in properly now. I actually felt like i could call this place home, even if their was a big part missing.

Since that Sunday in the pub when i had bared my soul to Adam, we had worked together a couple of times and tonight was going to be no exception. It was only a few days to Christmas and everyone was getting in the party mood. We had been hosting office parties for weeks and if I heard Slades "Wish it could be Christmas every day" once more i thought i might crack up, but tonight it would just be staff and locals and the odd person who happened to wander in off the street.

We hadn't brought up the conversation we had about John Paul and for the last four weeks i kept myself so busy that by the end of the day, sleep came quickly. I still thought about him all the time, wondering if he had met someone else or got back with Spike but when i talked to my mum or Steph i didn't ask, i didn't dare. I knew that someone like John Paul wouldn't be on the shelf for long and that some other lucky bas*ard would snap him up soon.

"Yoo hoo! Anybody there" Adam said waving his hand in front of my face. Adam had noticed that familiar look cross Craigs face again, the same faraway look that told him Craig was thinking of his ex. It was plastered on his face more and more frequently and Adam wondered if he was ever going to get up the nerve to do something about the situation. He purposely hadn't brought up their conversation in the pub, hoping that when he was ready Craig would come to him to talk, but he never had. Instead he had continued to suppress his feelings and emotions and no doubt was thinking of all sorts of scenarios in his head about John Paul. Honestly if the guy bottled things up for much longer he might explode.

Craig snapped out of his reverie and poked his friend. "So tonight? Should be a good laugh eh?"

"Yeah, Carl's even got a new DJ to spin us some tunes". Oops thought Adam as that same expression threatened to boycott Craigs features again. "Anyway, did you get the mistletoe from the market like Carl asked?".

"Yep" stated Craig, "got a big bag of the stuff, only cost a couple of euros". He passed it to Adam to take with him.

"Cool, well i'm off! You're definitely coming tonight though?" he asked Craig as he got up to leave. He couldn't help feeling that without a little nudge Craig would probably find a way to back out of it at the last minute and spend the evening wallowing in his thoughts.

"Course i am" said Craig. It was the last thing he felt like doing but he knew it meant a lot to Adam that he at least try to enjoy himself and anyway, it might be fun. He closed the door behind his friend and went to find something to wear. He had enjoyed strolling round the streets of Dublin yesterday, going to the market and looking around the shops. He managed to find Steph the perfect Christmas present, a pair of fluffy pink slippers, and something for his mum and Jack too. Dublin was a busy city and the people were really friendly and welcoming. The Christmas shoppers had been out in droves, tripping over themselves in order to bag a bargain in the pre Christmas sales the atmosphere electric. The park had looked beautiful too, small fairy lights were hung from the branches and the last of the autumn leaves crunched under foot. He knew that John Paul would love it here. Dublin had the hustle and bustle of a big city but there were still lots of places to get away from it all. I had spent most of the afternoon sitting on a bench coming up with a plan to get John Paul back. I just had to get up the nerve to get in touch.

The party was in full swing when i walked in, greeting people as i made my way through the throng of revelers to the bar. Carl and his girlfriend Sinead were pouring drinks and opening bottles, chatting to a couple of our regulars their heads bobbing to the beat of the music blaring from the jukebox. The DJ wasn't due until ten and it was just a little after eight now. Sinead looked up and waved, a smile beaming on her face.

"Craig, glad you made, i was getting worried that you weren't going to show" she exclaimed her Irish accent sounding more pronounced than usual.

Carl must have seen that i had noticed. "Don't mind her" he said inclining his head in Sineads direction. "She always sounds like that when she's had a few". I chuckled, i loved the banter that passed between them, it was so natural and you could see the mutual affection emanating from them.

"Hey, cheeky" she said laughing and jabbing him in the ribs. "Did he tell you we've got a surprise for you later?"

I looked from Carl to Sinead shaking my head with a puzzled expression. At that moment Adam slung his arm around my shoulder.

"Yay, good to see you mate" he said giving me an affectionate squeeze. "I wasn't sure if you were gonna turn up, thought you might bail out on us at the last minute". I didn't get chance to reply before he turned his attention to Carl. "Have you told him yet?" he asked.

"Thought we might get a few drinks down him first" he replied, passing another bottle to Adam. "Craig, you having a lager or Guinness?".

"Anything" i answered, taking the bottle he uncapped for me. There seemed to be something i was missing and i wanted to know what the surprise was that they were hinting at. The room was quickly filling up so i went round the back of the bar to the cellar to get more bottles for the fridge. We had been told in no uncertain terms that tonight was about having a good time, letting our hair down and enjoying the night. We had all agreed to pitch in when needed but Carl was adamant that He and Sinead could manage most of it.

Adam said it was an annual event and all the regulars came out of the woodwork to celebrate the festive season with us. They were a good crowd and i loved working here and i looked forward to seeing what the place was like on St Patricks Day. It was the sort of place where you could be yourself and people didn't interfere in your business and yet if you wanted to vent or just pass the time of day there was always someone to talk to.

I drank thirstily from the bottle, a smile touching my lips as i looked round at the people who had become like an extended family to me. Adam stood over near the jukebox, leaning casually against it, his eyes twinkling as he chatted to Fran and Anthony, two of our regular customers, Kelly and Lucy, the two students who worked Fridays and Saturdays were with a group of their friends from the University and Connor, Matt and Daisy were over near the window, talking to the bloke they'd brought in to DJ.

I turned my head as i heard someone calling my name from near the bar, Kelly was gesturing wildly trying to catch my attention. I made my way over to her and she introduced me to her friends.

"Craig, this is Sammi, Alex and Tara from my Media Studies group". The girls giggled and said hi.

"Alright" i reply, smiling at each of them. The brunette one, Alex keeps flicking her hair back and blinking a lot. "Have you got something in your eye?" i ask and lean in to have a look. This sets her friends off into a fit of laughter. She stumbles back obviously a bit tipsy and i put a hand out to steady her. The other three seem to find her reaction hilarious but i don't get the joke. We get chatting a bit more and i realise that i have met the blond girl Sammi before.

"Don't you work in that shop 'Glamour' in town?" i ask her.

"Hmm, yes " she says as she takes a sip of her drink. "You were in the other day buying slippers for your...girlfriend?" she asked the last part as a question.

"I haven't got a girlfriend, they were for my sister" i answer honestly. I noticed Kelly elbow her and my eyebrows furrow as they exchange a look. "Anyway, nice to meet you" i say as i move away.

I start to collect some glasses as i make my way back to the bar. Adam sidles up next to me. "Who's that then?" he says, his eyes darting towards the girls. He looks like he's holding back a grin.

"Just a couple of Kellys friends from uni". He looks at me and shakes his head. "What?" i ask, missing the point.

He gestures over to where they're stood. "She fancies you!"

His statement catches me completely off guard, "yeah right" i snort.

"Seriously" he says laughing.

I look back over to see them watching us. "Which one?" i ask, because i can't tell.

Adam bursts out laughing again..."All of them!" I look at him incredulously. He throws his arm around my shoulder, "come on Casanova, lets get you another drink!".

It was approaching ten o'clock and i was starting to feel a bit tipsy. I was used to having a drink but i usually paced myself a bit better than this. We were sat on stools propping up the bar, listening to one of the regulars dubbed 'Effing Fred' tell us his woes about his wife kicking him out...Again! Honestly the language that comes out of his mouth makes me blush like a nun in a strip club. Something across the room catches my eye and i strain my neck to catch another glimpse. I blink twice, trying to focus better. Someone is wearing an aqua blue polo shirt, just like the one John Paul had been wearing that day i walked out of my exam. I can't see the mans face so i stand up to go over there. Adam notices that something is amiss and tentatively puts his hand on my arm. I'm just about to go over there when the man turns around and i can see he's nothing like John Paul, he has a more muscular build and his hair is shorter and more blond. I sit back down and let out the breath that i was holding.

"Any chance of something a bit stronger?" i ask Sinead. She looks from me to Adam and something in his eyes must convince her i need it. She opens the lid from a bottle of single malt and pours a couple of fingers of whisky into two glasses. "Cheers" i say to him as i clink glasses, taking a sip of the dark amber liquid. It slides down my throat, setting it on fire, but i manage not to cough. I take a deep breath and plaster a smile back on my face. The last couple of hours i had managed to push John Paul to the back of my mind but one small insignificant image had brought him back to the forefront of my conscience.

The DJ must have finished setting up because Carl turned the jukebox off. The lack of music set off a rumble of noise from the occupants around the room. He jumped up onto the bar, waving his arms and shushing everyone. When the noise died down he gestured to the gathered crowd.

"As you are aware, this is my seventh year here at The Swan" he started. " And every year we celebrate Christmas with a little get together of our nearest and dearest, here on party night!" he roared. We all cheered, holding our glasses up to him like a king. "It's also tradition that our newest member of staff gets to earn themselves some extra cash by selling kisses!" There were whooping noises coming from around the pub and my face dropped as i could hear my name being chanted over and over. I must have looked petrified as i let them steer me over to a stool they'd set up beneath the bunch of mistletoe i had bought yesterday. Next to me was a big glass jar with a slit in the lid. Adam patted me on the back, grinning like a kid on Christmas morning. He leaned over and bet me that i couldn't make as much as him. I glared back at him but he just turned away laughing.

"Anyway" continued Carl "I think the DJ is all set", i saw someone give their thumbs up, "So without any further delay, enjoy the rest of your evening!".

The music started up and a few of the punters turned towards the DJ moving in time to the beat. Unfortunately the rest of them stayed nearby so they could no doubt be a part of my nightmare. One year ago if this had happened to me i would have been in seventh heaven but a lot had happened since then. Luckily Adam came back over bringing another glass of whisky.

He handed me the glass, trying his best to stop himself smiling. "Oh my God, Craig! The look on your face was priceless" he said. If he was trying to put me at ease, then it wasn't working. "Sorry i couldn't tell you, they swore me to secrecy.....Honest!"

I started to see the funny side. "You owe me one!" I told him shaking my head. He looked at me, cupped my cheeks in his big rough hands and planted a great big smacker on my lips. His lips lingered there for a few seconds before he pulled back with the biggest grin imaginable spread across his face. He took a note out of his wallet and as he popped it in the jar he turned to everyone. "Worth every penny" he shouted winking at me. As he turned to leave he bent down and whispered "Put it towards your plane ticket".

I looked at him as he walked away, happy in the knowledge that i had a friend for life. I looked down at the jar and saw the blue note at the bottom. He was right, i could put the money towards an airplane ticket and the twenty euro he started me off with seemed to set a president with those that followed.

Most of the kisses i received were just pecks on the cheek or lips and considering there was a recession, i seemed to be doing very well. One or two of the girls tried to deepen the kiss but i was having none of it. As the line got smaller the jar became fuller. I saw Adam standing to one side, deep in conversation with a bloke i recognised as Tony, one of the men who delivers the barrels from the brewery. When my friend looked up he raised his eyebrows and inclined his head towards the man stood next to him. I gave him a quick thumbs up before turning to the next person.

Kelly was standing there with her friends. "Come on then" she said "pucker up". I gave her a brief kiss on the lips and looked at her shyly from beneath my lashes. "Don't worry, my boyfriends over there" i looked over and waved. He rolled his eyes at me, as she made her way back over to him, giving him a proper kiss.

Next up was Alex, although i couldn't be sure as she was being supported by her other two friends. I was a bit wary as she put the money in the jar and stood in front of me with her lips puckered waiting for me to kiss her. I hoped she was feeling better than she looked or i might end up covered in something other than lipstick! "Give us a kiss then" she slurred. I leaned towards her and she almost yanked me off the stool as she grabbed me behind my neck with her hands. I kissed her but she had a death grip and wouldn't let me go.

"Security!" i yelled laughing as i tried to untangle myself from her vice grip my shoulders shaking.

A pair of hands that belonged to Carl assisted Alex over to a seat and he gave her a glass of water. He gestured at her "looks like you got yourself a fan there" he said. Tara went over and sat with her, leaving just Sammi standing nearby.

She gestured towards her friend "You can't take her anywhere" she said nervously. I noticed her similarity to Hannah, one of my old friends from Hollyoaks. She had the same petite build and blond hair. Her eyes were blue though, not the startling icy blue topaz of John Pauls eyes but still....blue. She opened her purse and took out a note, folding it up and tapping it into the already full jar not breaking eye contact. I licked my lips as she leaned in towards me, i could smell the faint whiff of vanilla as she got nearer, closing the distance between us. As her lips pressed against mine my eyelashes fluttered closed. I moved my lips ever so slightly against hers and could taste red wine and....pineapple?

I drew back slowly, again looking into those eyes....Nothing! It was nice but that shot of desire i always got when i kissed John Paul wasn't there. Her eyes were still a lovely colour of blue but i could clearly remember how John Pauls darkened to a deep, dark sapphire colour when he was aroused, which was every time we kissed.

She stepped back and pressed her fingers to her lips. "Do you fancy going and getting some fresh air?" she asked. I wanted to let her down gently but couldn't find the right words.

"I have to collect some glasses" i told her, hastily getting up and making a beeline for the bar, jar in hand. She followed after me and waited until i came back round.

"Maybe we could get a drink together sometime" she hinted. I had learned my lesson when it came to messing people around and i wasn't about to start doing it again.

I turned to her. "I'm sorry, i'm just really not interested". I started to walk away but she took hold of my sleeve.

"Maybe you'll change your mind" she said, bloody hell she was persistent.

"I'm in love with my ex!" i told her, sounding a bit more abrupt than i intended.

She looked disappointed. "Oh well, you could give me your number in case you change your mind?". Enough was enough! I copied an old trick i had learned from Sonny and jotted a ten digit number down onto a beer mat handing it to her before making a hasty retreat behind the bar. I hoped that when she woke up in the morning she would be sober enough to chuck it in the bin and forget about it.

The next hour or so passed quickly, Sinead told us with a wink that i had beaten Adams total and that i was officially the most popular barman ever! Of course Adam asked for a re match at which point i held my hands up in mock surrender and told him he could have the title.

The DJ was really good, playing a mixture of party, dance and Christmas tunes. A wooden dance floor was set up beneath the windows at the front of the pub and as the night wore on it became jam packed with dancers. I tried to make my way through the throng of people, picking up abandoned glasses and bottles, attempting to avoid being stood on. Eventually i gave up with the collecting and allowed Kelly, Tara and Lucy to pull me onto the overflowing dance floor.

Dancing wasn't really my forte but i threw out my inhibitions and writhed and gyrated with the best of them. It's a good job John Paul wasn't here i thought, he would have died laughing. He always said that for someone with a nice arse, i sure didn't know how to shake it. He was the one with rhythm and i always put it down to the fact he has five sisters. A new song comes out over the speakers and the girls start laughing as they attempt to re enact the actions to the song. They don't seem to have noticed that i have ceased dancing, the memory of the last time i heard this song, stopping me dead in my tracks. I excuse myself and step outside as the words to S Clubs Reach pounds out over the speakers.

I take a couple of deep breaths as i make my way over to one of the picnic benches. I sit on the table with my feet planted on the bench, knees drawn up so i can rest my elbows on them. My head drops into my hands and i squeeze my eyes closed. This doesn't help. It just makes the memory of Spikes smug, arrogant face, clearer in my mind. It had taken me ages to realise why i hated him so much and my fists clenched as i remembered how i had felt seeing him kiss John Paul that first time. I thought i was going to be sick as i'd stood there watching Spike and my best friend kissing their bodies pressed up close to each other. I hadn't felt that kick in the stomach because John Paul was kissing a bloke, but because THAT man had his hands all over my best mate and i couldn't stand the thought of someone ELSE doing that to him. That thought had freaked me out more than anything else in my life. I wanted to bury my head in the sand but at the same time it had awakened a curiosity in me that i hadn't been able to shake off until the day i walked out of the exam. Seeing John Paul and Spike together at his house the day before had sent wave after wave of jealousy coursing through my body to the point where i had to leave, before i said something i might regret.

The ugly truth was that Spike had treated John Paul far better than i ever had, and i think that a part of my deep seeded hatred for him stemmed from the fact that he was able to be open and honest with his feelings for John Paul whilst i had felt i had to keep mine hidden. Another of my biggest regrets was that i let things get so serious between them before acting on my own desires. I was envious of Spike being the first one that John Paul slept with. I didn't count Hannah because it hadn't been what he wanted but Spike, when i had asked him if it felt wrong and he had replied that it felt wonderful i was torn apart. A small part of me had felt it should be wrong but the other part, the biggest part just felt anger and jealousy that it wasn't me that had made him feel wonderful, that it was Spike!

The music changed and a fast dance track came on but i stayed where i was. There were so many good times with John Paul to remember, i just wish they weren't tainted by the bad memories. I wouldn't be surprised if Spike was back with John Paul now. He always seemed to sense when John Paul needed a mate, usually when i had f*cked up again, and then he'd turn up like a bad smell, with his muscular shoulder to cry on. I suppose i should thank him some day for making me face up to the truth but i laughed aloud at the thought of seeing Spike and being sincere.

"What's so funny?" asked Adam as he made his way over.

"Nothing", i replied. "Just thinking".

We sat there in silence. I could feel his eyes burning into me, waiting for me to continue, but i didn't. He fiddled with the zip on his jacket and it was just another reminder of John Paul. He was always messing with stuff, keeping his hands busy. I used to hope it was his way of restraining himself from reaching out and grabbing me in front of Sarah. A thought crossed my mind that i wanted them to meet one day, i was sure they would get on well as they had lots in common. I eventually looked over and told him so.

He smiled broadly. "Does that mean your going to get him back?" he asked, a hint of hope in his voice.

"I hope so" i told him. I explained about the Spike situation, but i didn't really get the response i was hoping for.

"He sounds alright" he said. I shook my head incredulously.

"Did you not just hear what i told you about him?" i said, my voice raising a couple of octaves.

He looked back at me grinning. "Well yeah! But your bias. You can't stand him because he was John Pauls first boyfriend! That doesn't make him a bad person. From what you just said, if it wasn't for this Spike bloke you never would have come clean about your feelings in the first place!"

I spluttered, trying to find the right words. "I don't like him because he's a wan*er!" Adam laughed again.

"Yeah, but it's not really a reason is it. If you put aside your jealousy, you might find he's not that bad" he said. I sat there wondering how the hell we ended up talking about bloody Spike! Of all people.

"Do you think they'll have got back together?" i asked him. Adam shrugged his shoulders and took a sip from his bottle.

"Only one way to find out" he said fishing around in his pocket before passing me his phone. I took it from him, weighing the small black object in my hand. I flicked the screen up to reveal the glowing keypad, my thumb hovering above the zero. Adam got up. "I'll leave you to it" he said. "Back in a minute". He walked away and i took a deep breath and punched in the numbers....


	5. Chapter 5

**JOHN PAUL**

My mobile was ringing....again. I hadn't felt this popular in ages, unfortunately it was probably just Sebastian. Since we had gone out at the end of November he had called a few times the last couple of weeks to see if i wanted to go out again. I wasn't sure why he kept calling, after all the date hadn't exactly gone well but he did and his persistence was starting to get on my nerves. Martin had called as well but i gave him a right mouthful and thankfully he hadn't called again. Evil.....well he was living up to his name. Apparently no one treats him like that, laughing and running away so he chose to get his own back by putting my number in a personal ad of the local paper. This was a few weeks ago now so the calls had died down a bit, thankfully. I took the phone out of my jacket but didn't recognise the number, so turned it off. Honestly....if i ever run into Evil again....

**CRAIG**

I stared at the phone, a sinking feeling making it's way to the pit of my stomach. Adam came striding over with a few bottles of beer grasped between his fingers. He sat down next to me again and handed me one, raising his eyebrows in question. I took a few gulps of lager, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"I take it, it didn't go well then" he said, his voice filled with sympathy.

"Didn't go at all, he turned the phone off. It didn't even go to his voicemail". It was only when i said this that i realised that i had been looking forward to hearing his voice, even if was only a monotone recording. I raised the bottle back to my lips and gulped it down, finishing the rest of it in one go. I reached for another and drank that one too!

"Steady on!" said Adam as i went for a third bottle. "Look, it's probably no big deal, he might have been at work or avoiding his sisters or something". I nodded agreement but i didn't think so.

"More like sh*gging bloody SPIKE!" i spat out. "Aargh, i can just imagine him smirking his head off, laughing at me because HE'S got John Paul!" I was really letting rip now and Adam was looking round nervously, probably hoping people didn't think he was hanging out with a nutter.

"I think it's time we got you home" he said, putting one of my arms around his shoulders to support me. I leaned into him, savouring the warmth that was emanating from beneath his jacket. He looked down into my eyes and shook his head ruefully. "Don't look at me like that Craig" he admonished.

"Like what?" i said still gazing at him with glazed eyes. I hadn't even realised i had been looking at him but now that he mentioned it....

"Like you want me to kiss you" he stated. He liked Craig....a lot, but he knew it wasn't a good idea to go down that route.

"Maybe i do want you to" i slur out confidenly, blinking a few times to focus. I don't even know why i'm saying this, i never looked at Adam that way, he's a friend and he looks out for me, but kiss him, i suppose it might be ....nice?

"No you don't!" Adam stopped walking and leaned Craig against a low, brick wall surrounding one of the houses. "Okay, answer me this....When i kissed you tonight" i looked at him puzzled "for the money jar" he continued, my mouth formed a silent oh, "what did you feel?" he finished.

I looked around, feeling awkward trying to avoid eye contact. "Well, it was a bit hard, i suppose!" i eventually said. I couldn't think of a better way to describe it.

Adam looked a bit put out but i didn't know why, he did ask! "Right, well, thanks for that" he said trying but not succeeding to stifle a laugh. "Okay, how do you feel when John Paul kisses you?"

I think about it for a few moments, trying to find the right words. I imagine the time we were at his house, after meeting Evan and Melissa and i told him i loved him. We spent half the night in each others arms kissing and talking. A smile plays on my lips and a shiver runs down my spine as i remember the look of desire flashing in his brilliant blue eyes. I moisten my lips, i can almost feel his soft full lips drag over mine, his tongue flicking across mine, the taste of it in my mouth....

"Alright enough already" he says pulling me back up.

"What? I didn't even say anything" i tell him holding out my hands, palms up, trying not to fall over.

"Craig, you didn't have to say anything, it's written all over your face" ha says. He puts his arm back round my shoulders and sets back off again. "You really know how to knocka mans ego mate" he says laughing again. I don't know what he find so funny but i find myself grinning too. He suddenly stops dead and smacks his forehead. "Craig, you used my phone" he states.

"Yeah so?"

"You used MY phone!"

"And?" i prompt

"Well, even if he didn't answer the phone.....He's no way of knowing it was you!" He takes hold of my face and waits for the realisation to kick in.

After a few seconds...It does. "There you go!" he says slapping me on the back.

Tomorrow's another day!


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX**

**CHRISTMAS DAY **

**CRAIG**

Okay so, yeah i chickened out. I woke up with the hangover from hell the day after the party, Adam was still crashed out on the couch and my mouth felt like a cat had crawled in there during the night. I vaguely recalled the events of the night before, trying to contact John Paul and failing, cringing at the mental image i had of me sitting on a stool, snogging various people. After a shower and several cups of coffee, i had decided to leave it for a while before contacting John Paul. I told myself it was so i could think of exactly what i wanted to say, but the truth of the matter was that i was scared, scared of rejection, scared that he was no longer single and just plain scared that maybe he just didn't want me anymore.

Now here i was celebrating Christmas day three days later and i still hadn't plucked up the courage to ring him. Adam had tried to persuade me on a couple of occasions but he had eventually given up. Even Carl and Sinead had got involved, after overhearing one of our conversations but nothing any of them said could make me change my mind.

I started the day unwrapping the small pile of presents that were under the tree and phoning my mum and Jack to wish them a Merry Christmas. I was happy that everything seemed to be going well for them, they had been through enough the past couple of years and i was glad that this Christmas was going to be a happy one. Mum cried and said she wished i was there celebrating with them and i promised that i would try to visit soon. I was so tempted to ask about John Paul but managed to restrain myself. It had taken mum ages to get used to the idea of me being with someone that wasn't a girl and i got the impression she thought John Paul had corrupted me somehow, had made me fall in love with him and that it was a passing phase that i would get over eventually. I asked if Steph was there, intending to probe her for information but mum said she wouldn't be around until later. We chatted a bit longer before saying our goodbyes, me once again saying i would come back soon.

As i stepped out onto the street, i turned the collar of my coat up against the cold bite of the frigid wind. The temperature was below average for this time of year but it was dry so i felt in good spirits as i made my way to The Swan to join a few of the others for lunch. The pub wasn't officially open but those of us who didn't have family around had been invited for a simple Christmas dinner and a drink. I could hear raucous laughter coming from inside and it was the now familiar baritone of Adam. I still couldn't believe my luck that i had managed to make such a good friend. I patted my pocket to make sure the little gift i had got him was still there. I had managed to find a really nice, brushed steel, bottle opener keyring that i hoped would come in useful as he was always misplacing the one off the bar. It was important to me that he know how much i appreciate his friendship and that i didn't take it for granted. If i had learned anything it was that friends were hard to come by and needed to be cherished.

The door to the Swan was pushed open as i approached it. Daisy and Matt tumbled out, wrapped tightly in their coats and scarves and they huddled under the outdoor canopy, trying but failing to light their cigarettes in the strong wind. "Alright, thought you weren't coming" said Matt as i drew level.

"Yes, got chatting to my mum for a bit thats all, see you inside?" i replied as i went into the warmth of the pub. As i entered i noticed a couple of faces i didn't recognise. I smiled over at them and Sinead came over and introduced them as her sister Josie and her fiancee Mark. I said hi, as i slipped my coat off my shoulders, passing it to Sineads waiting hands. We made small talk for a bit, i explained that i was studying at Trinity and had decided to stay in Dublin for the festive period and Josie told me they always came to visit for a few days as her parents went abroad at this time every year. "Alright for some" i said laughing before making my way over to Adam at the bar.

**JOHN PAUL**

We were having a cracking Christmas so far. It helped that my dad hadn't turned up this year and robbed all the presents and the Christmas dinner. I was a bit dubious when Mercedes suggested going to The Dog for drinks but the atmosphere was warm and friendly and i was glad that i'd joined them. I looked around affectionately at my family, pride welling up inside of me. We weren't like most conventional families but as i listened to each and every one of them vie for attention, i knew i wouldn't swap any of them for the world.

I was pleased to see Darren behind the bar, serving the customers, instead of Frankie. I had managed this long without any confrontation and i wasn't in the mood for spoiling the festivities. We made our way over to the settees as mum went to get the first round in. As i looked around the room i noticed the Ashworths sat in one corner having a quiet drink. Hannah glanced over , so i raised my glass in a silent toast and she returned it with a shy smile before resuming her conversation.

Things were gradually looking up and i was starting to look forward to the beginning of a new year. This year had certainly had it's ups and downs but if i was honest with myself, i had very few regrets.

I had started the year with major doubts about my sexuality and had proceeded very quickly to fall in love with my best friend. Apart from the hurt and anguish we had caused Sarah and Spike, i had few regrets about my relationship with Craig. Obviously it would have been better if things had run smoothly but i knew that without the obstacles Craig and myself may never have been together in the first place.

My mind wandered and i imagined what Craig was up to in Dublin at this exact moment....was he alone?, i doubted it. I imagined him surrounded by friends, having a drink and a laugh. Was i in his thoughts at all or was i just a distant memory to him. I hoped he still thought of me as much as i think about him.

**CRAIG**

"If you don't phone him, i will" said Adam. We were sat at the bar again, away from the rest of the group who were all congregated around the tables under the window.

I shook my head. No way! "What would i say...Hi John Paul, please change your mind and come to Dublin after all?"

"It's a start!"

"Like i said, no way. If he is with someone else i'll feel like a right prat".

"So, at least you'll know and you can get on with your life, at the moment you're just in limbo, waiting to see what happens" he finished. He was right as well. Wasn't i better off knowing, even if it wasn't what i wanted to hear. At the moment i was just torturing myself, imagining all sorts of scenarios.

I thought about it for a second. "Maybe if i called and pretended i had rung the wrong number?" i suggested.

"Yeah good idea!, if you want to make him feel like he means nothing to you" said Adam logically. There had to be some way of contacting him without putting myself out there too much, in case of rejection. I snapped my fingers. "What if i send a text" i said, nodding my head at the genius idea.

"Could do, might work" Adam replied rolling his eyes skyward. He deigned to mention that he had suggested the very same thing half an hour earlier.

I took out my mobile and scrolled down to messages. I typed in the first thing that came to mind :

_Miss you, wish you were here! Craig x_

I was about to press send when i realised it was the same message Sarah had sent to him when we went to Zante. I quickly pressed delete and thought again :

_Happy Christmas did you get back with Spike yet?._

I hadn't noticed Adam was still there until he started laughing. "You won't send that will you?" he asked. I pressed delete again. I thought about what i really wanted to tell him. How much i wanted him here and how much i missed him. I started a new message:

_Merry Xmas. Miss u. luv 2 cu in Dublin. X._

Before i changed my mind i scrolled to John Paul and hit the button.

_Message sent!_

I felt a pat on my back and let out a sigh of relief. It was out of my hands now.

**JOHN PAUL**

I reached for my phone as i heard the unmistakable beeping, indicating i had received a new message. I pressed the key and my breath caught in my throat as i saw who it was from.

_Merry Xmas. Miss u. luv 2 cu in Dublin. X._

I looked around at my family. No one appeared to have noticed that i had stopped breathing and was near cardiac arrest. My hand was shaking as i looked over the brief message again. Did it really mean what i hoped it meant or was it just a casual message that he might have sent to the likes of Steph and Darren too?

My thumb hesitated over the reply key as i thought about what i might put.

I typed out a reply: _Miss u 2, will be on next possible fligh_t, when doubt crept in. How many times had i built my hopes up with Craig only to be let down and left disappointed. Why should this be any different? What if his text was just meant as a friendly gesture and i was reading too much into it? I had to think it over before rushing into anything. Being with Craig was what i wanted but not if i ended up feeling foolish and rejected. I decided to think things through and deleted my message.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

**THREE DAYS LATER**

**CRAIG**

The feeling of rejection was weighing heavily on my heart and i found it difficult to get up this morning. It was three days since i bit the bullet and sent John Paul the text and i had heard nothing. He hadn't replied with a text or a phone call and i was beginning to accept that maybe i wasn't going to get one.

I had spent most of Christmas day afternoon checking my phone for messages and getting people to ring it in case i didn't have a clear reception. By the end of the night i was dejected and drowning my sorrows in alcohol.

On boxing day i awoke with a raging hangover and the need for some answers. I tried ringing Steph again but she still wasn't picking up so i took a couple of paracetamol and went back to bed.

The next day i got a call from Carl asking if i could do an extra shift at work, Kelly had gone off sick and they were short staffed, so i picked myself up and went in. The extra money would come in handy and it kept me occupied and my mind off other things. Adam came in towards the end of the evening but even he couldn't cheer me up and to make matters worse i saw Sammi come in and spent the rest of the shift avoiding her. Carl noticed my evasive maneuvers, unfortunately he seemed to find my dilemma funny and kept giving me little jobs to do so that we would cross paths. He said later that i looked like i could do with something to keep my mind off things....funny guy!

Today was the third day in a row that i woke up and checked my phone before doing anything else. There were still no messages or missed calls from either John Paul or Steph so i went to take a shower before meeting Adam for a coffee at the diner style cafe on the corner of the high street. I plastered a smile on my face as i approached his table.

"Alright?" he asked, getting up and giving me a hug.

"Yes, not bad. Still haven't heard from John Paul though".

"Give it time Craig, if it's meant to be, he'll call you and if he doesn't...you've always got me as a back up" he said laughing. I had realised that Adam liked me...that way, but I didn't see him as anything but a friend. Even if i had, his offer wasn't genuine, he had too much self respect for that because he knew how much i love John Paul and i think our friendship meant a lot to him too.

"I just wish i knew, you know. I'm still waiting for Steph to ring. For all i know he might be on holiday or have got a new phone or something". I kept coming up with new suggestions, any excuse for why he hadn't called back yet. I was upset and angry and i admitted to him that i wasn't ready to move on yet.

"What if he is with someone else?" he asked. It was a scenario i had pictured often and the reality was that i had no idea what i might do if that was the case. All i knew was that i needed some answers before i could make up my mind where to go from here.

**JOHN PAUL**

So the last few days i had nothing on my mind except how i was going to respond to Craigs text. I was finding it difficult to interpret the true meaning of the message and it didn't help that i couldn't talk to any of my family about it. I was going to ask Tina but she seemed to have enough going on with her own problems, without me off loading mine onto her as well. I decided to go for a walk through the village to clear my head and get my thoughts together.

Everywhere i went there were reminders of Craig. There was the bus stop where i had rescued him from being beaten up by Sonny, the fountain which we used to sit under to talk about everything and nothing, The Loft and the SU bar. Every turn i took held memories both good and bad but they were my memories and i treasured them.

I walked into the park and made my way to the bench where me and Craig had sat talking the week before he went to Dublin. I was deep in thought when i felt a presence next to me. I looked up to see Hannah standing there, her long blond hair blowing in the breeze, wrapped up in a long, blue woolen overcoat. She smiled and asked if she could sit down, so i scooted over to make room.

"Hi, how have you been" i asked her tentatively.

She seemed shy and nervous and i hated that i had evoked that kind of reaction from her. "Okay, you?"

I thought about it, the mess my life is in at the moment. "Yeah, fine". I grinned as if to reassure her.

Hannah and i had been close once and she saw straight through my actions. She thought about what to say and then started to speak, her voice soft and angelic just like it always was.

" John Paul" she took a deep breath, "I know we haven't really talked much recently, but you do know i still care about you and i don't like to see you upset.... Talk to me!" she persuaded.

God, where to start. I took my phone out and showed her the message from Craig. She took it from me and read it, her thumb caressing the screen a tiny smile playing at her lips.

"Is it true that YOU left HIM at the airport?" she questioned.

"Yeah. It was stupid, i shouldn't have done it but...." my voice trailed off, at a loss for words.

She passed me the phone back, gesturing.

"This is the first time he contacted you?"

I nodded an affirmative.

"Have you replied to him yet?"

"No" i explained to her that i wasn't sure the message was anything but a casual Christmas greeting.

She snorted before responding. "John Paul, if there's anything i know about you and Craig it's that nothing is ever done casually". She hesitated before continuing, "What makes you think that he might not want you back? All the time you were friends you were inseparable, nothing ever came between you. Not the fact that you were gay, or that he had a girlfriend. I can't understand how you can think that he would just get over you" she finished.

I explained that i had shoved the doubts about him inviting me to Dublin to the back of my mind but that i couldn't get over the niggling feeling that if Sarah had forgiven him his choice would have been different and that, at the time, his actions at the airport had kind of confirmed this to me. I'd felt that he didn't want to accept who he was and that it was only because of the circumstances that he had been forced to.

Hannah turned to me an incredulous expression covering her face. "What are you talking about, he picked you".

"Yeah, but only because Sarah wouldn't forgive him". I said.

I remembered the conversation with Craig on this very bench. "She wouldn't have you back?" i had asked.

"I didn't ask" he'd replied then i had told him that Nancy let me know he had gone to see Sarah to straighten things out and beg for forgiveness. He simply replied that he hadn't done that. I had always assumed that he hadn't asked for fear of rejection and that despite him professing his love for me and saying he didn't want to waste any more of his life pretending, that if Sarah had taken him back, things would have gone differently.

She threw her head back and laughed. I asked her what was so funny.

"You! You finally get your chance at happiness and you throw it away" she took hold of my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. "John Paul, Sarah told me what happened. She begged him to give it another go, said they could still go to Dublin and forget everything that had happened, he had the perfect opportunity to go with her and start again, but he said No! He was honest with her and told her it was YOU that he loved, that he wanted to be with".

I couldn't believe what i was hearing, all this time i had continued to doubt Craig, had thought the worst of him and yet...,he had really come through for me in the end and i hadn't even realised it. I was kicking myself for having so little faith in the man i loved above all others on this earth. I swept Hannah up into a tight embrace, spinning her round, tears streaming down my face, hurt and confusion being washed away by an overwhelming feeling of happiness.

**CRAIG**

"Finally", i cheered as my mobile lit up and i saw the name on the screen.

"About time too" i said in lieu of a greeting "i've been trying to reach you for days" i said sarcastically.

Steph giggled "Merry Christmas to you too little brother" she said. I noted that she sounded happy and i listened for a couple of minutes as she told me what she had been up to the last few days. I was itching to get information so when she eventually took a breath, i was straight in there.

"Listen Steph, i wanted to ask you if you've seen John Paul recently?".

There was a heavy silence from the other end of the phone and i started to get nervous and fidgety.

"Why?" she eventually asked.

I didn't like the fact she was being evasive and uncertainty crept in but i forged ahead anyway.

"I sent him a text on Christmas day and he hasn't replied yet. Thought maybe he'd gone away or something".

She stayed quiet for a bit, then i heard a heavy sigh before she replied.

"Craig" I could hear the sympathetic tone to her voice. "I don't know if it means anything but....I heard he was snogging someone in a car outside The Loft a few weeks ago and Darren said he saw him at one of the pubs in town while he was out with his mates...." her voice trailed off as if she didn't know whether she should continue or not.

I let what she said process. My hand was shaking as i held the phone to my ear.

"Craig?"

"Was it Spike?" i asked, my voice catching as i said his name.

"No" she whispered back. "Craig, i'm sorry".

"Me too!" i replied. "Thanks Steph... listen, ... i'll see you soon yeah?" i said before ending the call. I didn't want my sister to hear me break down and cry.

I was too late! As much as i knew John Paul might move on i had secretly hoped he wouldn't. I wanted our relationship, our friendship to mean more to him than that. The fact that he had moved on already and found someone else tore at my heart. I stood there with tears streaming down my cheeks the phone clutched in my hand. I looked at the offending object and gripping it tightly, hurled it at the wall.

**JOHN PAUL**

I finally put Hannah down and couldn't wait for her to leave so that i could ring Craig and apologise. I was elated at the information she had given me. I couldn't believe i had spent so long doubting Craig and wasting months of our lives apart. I think she picked up on my euphoric state because she picked her bag up and turned to leave.

"Be happy, John Paul" she said before turning on her heal and walking away. It took mere seconds for me to wrench the phone from my pocket and ring his number....'Come on, pick up' i thought impatiently. It rang...and rang...and rang. I waited for it to go to his voicemail, anticipating the velvet, huskiness of his voice but it didn't come.

"Sh*t" i exclaimed aloud, looking round hoping no one had heard me. Stuffing the phone back in my pocket, i made my way to The Dog.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

**NEW YEARS EVE**

**CRAIG**

The pub was already heaving and it was hours until midnight. I couldn't wait to get this year over with and start a new one. It's not that i wanted to forget all the good stuff but i had accepted that me and John Paul were never going to get over all the obstacles and that maybe it was in my best interest to make a fresh start.

Unfortunately a certain blond seemed to think that she could be a part of that fresh start. Kelly was back at work and had let me know, in no uncertain terms, that her mate was 'madly in love with me' and wanted to 'get to know me better'. I cringed at the thought. Although i was ready....yeah right!....to start afresh, that didn't mean i wanted to date or be in a relationship. I wasn't over John Paul and didn't think i ever would be, but i didn't want to spend my days moping about anymore. My New Years resolution was to make the most of life, try and have fun and grasp all good opportunities with both hands.

Yesterday i went to the hardware shop on the high street and bought two tins of paint and a couple of brushes. The flat needed an overhaul and i was finally in the mood to give it one. I was fed up of looking at the dreary grey walls and although the cream colour i got wasn't exactly outrageous, it would certainly give it the clean, fresh look that i was after. In the New Year sales i was going to go looking for some new furniture and pictures, i was finally ready to call the flat my home and wanted to put my own stamp on it. Adam had suggested having a painting party but i declined, it was something i felt i had to do myself.

As i picked up a few stray glasses from outside i noticed Sammi loitering near the door. Sh*t, i really wasn't in the mood for a confrontation, so i ducked behind a tree and waited until she went back inside. I shook my head at my shameful display of cowardice, it's not like she might bite or anything....then again if her actions before Christmas were anything to go by, she might.

Carl and Sinead had arranged the works for this evening. As well as another guest DJ, they had also arranged fireworks and lots of stupid party games. As much as i wasn't in the mood for passing a balloon from under my chin or between my legs, it really was funny watching others having a go. The beer was flowing, the music was pumping and the atmosphere was electric, it was the perfect way to spend New Years eve and i was determined to enjoy it at all cost.

I managed to sneak back inside, barely missing walking into Sammi and went in search of Adam. After i spoke to Steph the other day, he had quietly picked up the pieces of my phone, trying to put them together again before sitting me down on a bench and letting me sob my stupid, broken heart out! The shoulder of his jacket was sopping wet by the time i was finished but he didn't complain. He didn't pressure me to reveal details but i opened up to him anyway, telling him everything my sister had told me. He didn't judge or offer advice, which i was grateful for, he just sat and listened, occasionally muttering incoherent words of encouragement.

He was leaning against one of the old, wooden pillars near the jukebox talking to Tony, the brewery guy, when i eventually found him. He glanced over as i appraoched and waved me over, making introductions. I smiled and shook hands, slipping into an easy conversation with them. Adam had a glint in his eye that i hadn't noticed before and he kept touching Tonys sleeve when he was laughing. The open, easy affection between them was nice to see, they seemed really comfortable together and i silently wished them luck in the New Year. We chatted a while longer, then i excused myself and went to serve behind the bar.

For the next half hour or so i didn't stop working, pulling pints, opening bottles and fetching crisps and peanuts for those who couldn't keep the hunger at bay. I was run off my feet and didn't have time to stop and chat with anyone. Kelly tried to corner me at one point to find out why i was avoiding Sammi but i just gestured at the waiting customers and she got the message and went away. The DJ started playing a track that was familiar to me, one that had been high in the charts when me and John Paul were together and i bobbed my head in time with the beat. As i passed a couple of bottles over the bar, something caught my eye. Someone was standing near the DJ stand and i could have sworn he looked just like John Paul. I craned my head a bit further to get a better view before realising i had done the same before Christmas and it was probably the same bloke. I turned away and carried on serving.

There was no let up from the rush, so at about half eleven Carl said i should take a break. I helped myself to a couple of bottles and a packet of ready salted crisps before taking out Adams phone to give Steph a ring. I was about to sit on one of the recently vacated stools when i saw Sammi making her way over, a look of pure determination on her face. I ducked behind the bar, the bottles in one hand, mobile in the other and the crisps hanging between my teeth. I heard her ask Sinead where i was as i slipped around the bar, through the throng of customers and out the side door.

The blast of freezing cold air hit me as soon as i stepped outside. Everyone was inside celebrating, making sure they were suitably inebriated, ready to start the New Year off. I walked over to one of the picnic tables and sat there, munching on the crisps, enjoying the quiet night. It didn't last long as seconds later i saw Sinead coming towards me.

"You okay" she asked. "You look a bit lost?"

"Nah, i'm fine. Just enjoying the peace and quiet for a bit, that's all" i assured her.

She nodded her head in understanding. "Well there's someone looking for you inside, said they can't get hold of you on your number". I rolled my eyes skyward and laughed.

"Yeah, well, there's a reason for that" i replied laughing. She looked at me expecting me to explain but i just shook it off. "Doesn't matter, thanks" i said with a quick wave of my hand. She must have taken this as some kind of dismissal, as she patted me on the shoulder and left.

I remembered giving Sammi the fake number, hoping she would forget it or lose it...no such luck.

I sipped away at the lager, gazing at the moon and stars as my breath lingered in misty clouds in front of me. I wondered what everyone was up to back in Hollyoaks. Was Steph out having a good time?, mum and Jack at The Dog tackling the crowd of noisy punters and most of all John Paul. Was he out partying, dancing with his new boyfriend or was he working, spinning some tunes at The Loft, earning himself extra money? I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out his image. The picture in my mind became more vivid, i could see his smiling blue eyes as he confidently stood over his decks, record in one hand and headphones in the other. I could hear his soft, gentle voice as he whispered my name hesitantly....."Craig".

I froze. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and i had goose bumps all up my arms. I held my breath and waited....There it was again.

**JOHN PAUL**

"Craig" i whispered his name but he didn't turn around. He was ignoring me, and this wasn't quite the response i had been hoping for.

_**THREE DAYS EARLIER...**_

I hadn't been able to get hold of Craig on his mobile so off i went in search of Steph. After a brief but thankfully uneventful run in with Frankie i eventually managed to track her down at Il Gnosh. I was breathing heavily from the exertion of running as i sat down at the table she was occupying.

"Can't..get...hold...of...Craig" i managed to pant out. She stopped dead, her fork half way to her mouth and looked at me. I took a couple more breaths before asking her if she had talked to him. "I need to speak to him" i pleaded..."It's important."

"What about?"

I explained that i had just had something of an epiphany having spoken to Hannah and that i needed to tell him i was sorry. I didn't mention that i was also going to ask for another chance. Her face dropped and she looked like she might pass out.

"I thought you were seeing someone else?" she said, confusion spreading over her features.

I shook my head. "No, my sisters set me up a few times but....", a sudden thought occurred to me. "Why?"

"Oh, John Paul....I'm so sorry". She told me that Craig had asked her if i was with anyone and then her reply to him. I shook my head, this couldn't be happening, i was so close. I thought for a minute.

"Tell me everything you know" i said. I spent the next hour drinking coffee and listening to everything she had to tell me.

**CRAIG**

"Craig". That same voice saying my name....more confidently this time. I didn't dare turn around but my senses were on full alert. The footsteps were coming from behind me, light and tentative.

**JOHN PAUL**

Craigs head was tilted back and i couldn't see his beautiful eyes as he had them tightly shut. His thick, long eyelashes fanned out over his cheeks like lazy caterpillars and he appeared to be holding his breath, his long elegantly tapered fingers clutching hold of a bottle of lager for dear life. I stood directly in front of him, waiting for him to look up at me with those mesmerising chocolate brown eyes.

**CRAIG**

I could feel the warm, minty breath fan across my cheek as he came to stand before me. I hesitated, before slowly opening my eyes. I was expecting him to disappear in a puff of smoke...but he didn't. My breath let out in one big whoosh, before catching again as i became transfixed by the intensity of his blue eyes. His lips curled into a smile and his eyes crinkled in the corners.

"What....I....How?...." I couldn't seem to get my brain to function well enough to form the words into a coherent sentence. His smile spread wider as i became more flustered.

"I got your text" he stated by way of a greeting. He appeared amazingly confident considering the situation we found ourselves in. When i still didn't respond he gestured to the pub behind us. "The Irish lady behind the bar said i could find you out here".

"What are you doing here?" i whispered. Don't get me wrong, i was overjoyed to see him but it just didn't seem real. I had dreamed of this moment time and again but now it was happening i couldn't get my head round it.

John Paul stuffed his hands in his pockets and for the first time i noticed he did appear nervous. He was moving his weight from one foot to the other and fidgeting, something i remember him doing a lot when he was unsure of himself.

"Like i said....I got your text. I tried ringing you back but you didn't pick up so i went to see Steph." He was trying to tell me something but it wasn't sinking in. "She explained to me that she told you i have a boyfriend" he said, waiting for my response. I nodded as confirmation and closed my eyes so he couldn't see the tears that were once again beginning to form.

**JOHN PAUL**

I continued to look at Craig, i needed some sort of response that told me i was doing the right thing in coming here and that i hadn't just made the second biggest mistake of my life. He just nodded at what i told him, closing his eyes so he was no longer looking at me. I moved a step closer and saw him tremble slightly, whether from the cold or something else i wasn't sure but something in his posture alerted me to the fact that he was fighting back tears. I moved the last step to close the gap between us and placed a finger gently under his chin, tipping his head back slightly. His eyelids flew open at the sudden contact and the tears he had been holding back spilled over in rivulets down his cheeks. I brushed them away carelessly, looking at him eye to eye, brown to blue, my fingers cupping his face. Something changed, a shift in his response. He no longer looked like he wanted to run away and he seemed to relax into my hand. I bent over and kissed the small, salty droplets away before taking a step back.

"Just so you know....I haven't got a boyfriend" i told him. "My sisters set me up with blind dates but i only went to keep them off my back".

Craig cleared his throat before speaking. "Steph said you were snogging some bloke in a car?"

I laughed, the tension in me easing away as i realised he was jealous. Surely that was a good sign? "His name was Martin, Jacqui set me up with him".

"Oh...and?" he left the question lingering in the air.

"And he was married!" i replied laughing. Craig looked a bit stunned but i could see a smile starting to form. "If it makes you feel any better, i thought of you the whole time" i told him, my tone becoming serious.

Our eyes met and the atmosphere once again turned serious as we gazed at each other, taking in every little detail, tattooing this moment into our memories forever.

I leaned towards him, placing my hands on the table at either side of his arms to give myself support. When my face was mere inches away, he closed the gap, our lips meeting for the first time in months. My eyelids fluttered shut and i let my senses take over. His lips were oh, so soft, tentative at first before become more assured when i didn't pull away. I responded by flicking my tongue across the seem of his lips, seeking permission to enter the warm, moist cavern of his mouth. Our tongues met in a hot, heavy duel, sweeping over each other, delving into each others mouths, fighting for control. Craigs fingers swept into my hair, teasing the strands at the nape of my neck, caressing the skin on the side of my throat. I pulled back slightly, resting my forehead against his, our breathing heavy and laboured. I gazed into his dazed eyes and noticed they had turned almost black with desire.

Cupping his face in my hands i responded by kissing him again, this time pulling him up to stand before me, our bodies pressed up tightly together. I could feel the desire coursing through his body and knew he could feel my longing for him too. Our heads tilted so we could deepen the kiss, my hands roaming over his slight, muscular shoulders, trailing down his back until eventually they found their mark, resting on the curve of his jeans clad bottom. Hooking my fingers through the belt loops i pulled his groin into mine. A deep groan escaped his lips at the contact and we moved against one another, making our arousals strain within their denim prison. I moved my hips again and he gasped, tilting his head back. This allowed me access to his neck where i placed lots of feather light kisses. I licked over the smooth flesh, nipping and nuzzling it, my senses awash with the taste and smell of him. God he felt good!

**CRAIG**

There was a sudden bang! from behind us and we sprang apart as if shot by a bullet. John Paul ran his fingers through his hair and i straightened my clothes. We were both breathing heavily and looking everywhere but at each other. Some of the customers were making their way outside, taking up their positions, ready for the fireworks. I glanced around, avoiding his gaze, searching to see if he had any baggage. I noticed a large black duffel bag on the ground and went to pick it up. John Paul caught hold of my arm, his voice breaking as he said my name.

"Not here" i said, "come inside". I carried his bag into the pub and he trailed behind me, checking out our surroundings. The noise from the bar was almost deafening as i led him through the cellar, dumping his bag down on our way through. We went through the gap in the bar as the DJ made the announcement that it was three minutes to midnight. Carl tried to get my attention as i passed him but my mind was elsewhere. Eventually i turned to John Paul, my eyes holding a question that only he could answer. He looked back at me intently as i stood there awaiting his response. His eyes searched mine, no words were spoken, but he started to nod,a grin plastering itself across his face.

"If you'll have me?" he said. I pulled him into my arms and hugged him so tightly, i never wanted to let him go. He embraced me back and we stood there holding each other as the DJ started the countdown...

...Ten...I looked into the depths of his eyes and smiled....

...Nine...He grinned back...

...Eight...I held out my hand and...

...Seven...He took it, brushing his thumb over my knuckles...

...Six...He cupped his hand around my cheek...

...Five...I leaned into the warmth of it...

...Four...My fingers trailed to the back of his neck...

...Three...I pulled him towards me, registering the shocked delight in his expression...

...Two...He closed his eyes a split second before i did...

...One...Our lips met.

Everywhere around us people were chanting "Happy New Year" and breaking into 'Auld Lang Syne. Somewhere in my subconscious i registered this but it was far away. All i could feel were his lips on mine, starting the New Year the very best way i could imagine. We finally broke apart and i looked at him, smiling. His fingers were still intertwined with mine and i brought them to my lips and kissed them. I felt his breath catch at the small, intimate gesture.

"Come on" i said walking towards the bar. "There's some people i want you to meet" and i took him over and introduced him to my friends.


End file.
